


Running through this life - with and without you by my side.

by sunnysideup



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff, Hope, Love, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-06-07 06:43:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 30,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6791731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnysideup/pseuds/sunnysideup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It starts with a puncture,  its the first of many bumps along the way.   </p><p>This is a Uni!au.</p><p>Please take heed of the warnings and tags but there are no graphic descriptions here.  This is a tale of love, of bad times that could befall anyone but then hope of recovery and hope for the future.</p><p>This fic is alternate pov's. Zayn then Liam and so on throughout the fic.  NB. Louis and Harry are a pairing but this is a Ziam fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic started from a prompt from Lara so thank you Lara and its posted on here as Rainy Days and Wednesdays always get me down, it's a bit different here but the original is still up, then the most amazing thing happened and Raven drew the most fabulous fan art and then from talking to Sabrina, Tia, Joey and Gabby at various and/or all points, the idea for this fic was born. And it mushroomed and it mushroomed into this. The longest fic completed fic I’ve ever done. 
> 
> Thank you to Sabrina and Tia for encouraging me constantly, to Sabrina for tolerating and reading this mess so quickly and for Gabby who’s been there always for me, truly and read this in record time today too and gave me a boost as well when i was having doubts. 
> 
> Thank you too to ilo for the amazing edit she did and if I ever learn how to upload stuff I'll add it here and thanks to ilo again and Cami as well for your cheerleading and the daily chats.
> 
> In many ways it’s very personal to me. And I'm really nervous about posting this for so many reasons but here I am anyway. 
> 
> Any spelling mistakes or otherwise are down to me. 
> 
> To re-emphasise, there’s nothing graphic about this but there is mention of stuff relating to the warnings and it doesn’t deal with easy subjects hence the warnings. It does have some fluff and I hope somewhere along the line there’s hope. And I hope you can enjoy it just a little.

It’s just his luck that in the week he decides to start some kind of lunatic campaign to ‘get fit’ that where it had been blazing sunshine for weeks, it’s now on his bike ride home that the heavens decide to open, and that’d be fine, well it’d be annoying but it’d be fine if he was moving but the bit of broken bottle which had got on to the carriageway and punctured the front wheel of his bike had put paid to any movement and he supposes he should be grateful he didn’t end up flying headfirst through the air over the top of his bike and onto the road, he knows this but its pissing down alright and he’s getting soaked and okay, perhaps jeans aren’t the best clothes to cycle in in the first place but they certainly aren’t the best gear to stand still in the pouring rain and when the temperatures decided to drop by ridiculous amounts.

He’s shivering slightly, droplets of rain falling onto his face from his hair and the tiny bit of shelter from the trees is anything but as the wind blows the rain onto him, and as cars speed by, the spray from where the water has collected around the drains flies up into the air and lands on…you guessed it. Him.

All in all he’s pissed off okay? And he’s glancing up to the sky trying to estimate when the rain will stop so he has a chance of getting dry so he can start the long walk home with his knackered bike, well a few miles and he can almost hear Harry mocking him ‘4 miles you lazy sod? Man of your age should be able to walk home in less than an hour’ when a car pulls up right by where he’s stood and the window winds down and.

Oh shit. It’s him. He’s seen him around uni for so long, he’s part of his daily routine, seeing that smile across the canteen, the eyes that crinkle and the legs that rise and fall with each moment of laughter. He knows his name, he knows that Harry’s mates with him and he’s tried to introduce them before but Zayn always scarpers when he does, see Liam, cos that’s his name he’s not someone he could ever talk to, have a reasonable conversation with or do anything other than clam up like an idiot when he so much as comes within 2 feet of him.

You see Liam is a music tech student, who happens to sing in a band, and is in about 25 uni clubs, okay maybe an exaggeration, maybe more like 23, and he’s funny and he’s popular and he’s everything that Zayn isn’t and never wants to be thanks very much. Liam is also someone who’s winding down the window of his warm, cosy and even better, DRY, car right now and smiling that smile and even as Zayn sets his face to his customary scowl, something makes his pulse quicken a bit.

See Liam is all of the above which is bad enough, but he’s also what some may call, you know if pushed, and he’s definitely not one of them okay?, fucking amazing looking. He’s all light brown hair, chocolate brown eyes that dance with delight and warmth when he’s happy and Liam deserves to be happy all the time you know so says Harry anyway, and the hint of stubble which he’s decided to grow this term and he hates facial hair or stubble on anyone but himself as a rule but it suits Liam more than anyone he’s ever seen with it and he’s got the cutest nose and the hair that’s all boyish but so sexy and if that’s not bad and devastating and distracting enough, he has the most incredible body not that Zayn has noticed much but well at least 2 of the clubs he’s member of are sports clubs and it shows, and it especially shows right now as his arms hold the steering wheel, and the Henley fits him so well and the muscles which aren’t overly developed, they’re just perfect, and then his legs are muscular but again it’s not something he thinks about often alright, and what, hang on, is that his mouth moving?

’-yn, you okay? ‘Is what he catches him saying before he repeats himself now he has Zayn’s full attention.

‘Zayn, are you okay?’ and goddamit he even looks a bit concerned. And wait a minute, he knows his name?

‘Am fine’ he responds before he can even engage his brain to respond like a normal sensible completely drenched and in need of warmth and not being at risk of getting triple pneumonia thanks person.

For just a second, and it’s so fast that he’s sure he wasn’t meant to see it, Liam’s lips tighten at the sides and his eyes roll slightly and he’s sure he hears him mutter a swear word under his breath but its replaced by the customary Liam smile straight after.

‘Drop the too cool for school act for a moment eh Malik, look at you, you’re all wet’

And Zayn looks down at himself and across at his bike, the bike which isn’t one of the lightweight fold up ones Harry suggested he got but some heavyweight durable effort that given he’ll probably never cycle again after this experience makes him stubbornness look even more ridiculous than normal, and well yeah, but wait, too cool for school?

He says it aloud apparently as Liam starts to chuckle.

‘Don’t act so surprised Zayn, you may fool some people with that gorgeous brooding stranger act but you don’t fool me, now stop being a twat and get here in the dry and we’ll put your bike on the roof and I’ll fix it when we get back to halls, okay?’

He’s aware that his mouth is doing a wonderful impression of a goldfish right now but he can’t bring himself to speak, mouth suddenly dry and not only does Liam know his name but apparently he think he’s gorgeous and he also gives enough of a damn to want him not to get wet, and not only that but he’s also the first person since Harry to see through the whole barrier he’s put up to protect himself against disappointment and people around him letting him down and yet these are the first words they’ve exchanged since, well, ever.

He’s aware his name is being called again and when he shakes himself and meets Liam’s eyes, there’s no trace of anything other than concern and he’s undoing his seat belt and jumping out the car before Zayn can stop him and then he’s right there in front of him, just that little bit taller, just that little bit wider, just that little bit more amazing up close.

He feels one of Liam’s hands on his right arm, eyes boring into him, weighing him up before he drops it apparently satisfied that he’s not going to drop dead in front of him and then he’s moving past him, bending down to pick up the bike and as he does water drips from it and then he lifts it and carries it to where Zayn is and then stops and says ‘Hold onto it for a minute ‘kay?’

And then he’s moving to his boot and removing the ties for the roof rack from it and slamming the boot shut before he takes the bike from Zayn and hands him the ties instead, before he lifts up the bike and puts it on the roof as easily as it were a pint of milk, never mind a stupid far too heavy bike and then at Liam’s nod Zayn hands the ties to him and he secures it in several places, tugging at the ties to make sure they’re secure and nodding to himself when he’s happy they are.

And then he’s opening his door but before he gets in, he peers at Zayn over the roof and says simply ‘Get in Zayn’

It doesn’t even occur to Zayn to argue and he gets in, tossing his day sac onto the floor of the seat well and then reaching behind him for the seatbelt as Liam turns the keys in the ignition and a familiar sound comes from the speakers, and despite himself he smiles and nods along to the music. Drake. Of course life is never fair and Liam would have to get that bit more perfect.

They pull away, Liam plays with a few controls and warm air blows out from the vent in front of Zayn and slowly but surely, the sogginess fades.

They say nothing, but Liam’s tapping out a rhythm on the steering wheel and singing softly to himself and it’s no surprise that it’s a nice sound, and before he can help himself he starts to mumble along as well till his voice clears from a mumble and he doesn’t know why but he feels comfortable and their voices don’t actually sound that bad, and well it’s not hard but it’s an infinite improvement on Harry’s choice of Fleetwood Mac or The Byrds any day and he exchanges a quick smile with Liam.

Liam’s glancing down at Zayn’s bag and he grins. ‘How many times you seen it then?’

Zayn’s eyebrows crease together in confusion ‘you what?’

‘Batman v Superman’ and well yeah Zayn’s got several badges on his bag so duh and he’s not sure if Liam’s taking the piss out of him so he errs on the side of caution.

‘Twice’

Liam does a little fist pump at that and exclaims a happy ‘Beat ya’ and then at Zayn’s confused expression says hurriedly. ‘I mean I’ve seen it 12 times so far, and going again tonight, its ace though I still love Bale’s Batman better than anything’

And Zayn finds himself nodding along and muttering ‘Yeah agreed, he’s sick man’ and then before he can stop himself he blurts out.

‘Seen it 15 times, and yeah am going tonight too, dragging Harry along finally’

Liam looks a bit triumphant for some reason and he’s beaming. ‘That’s cool man, always knew that underneath that exterior of stone, lived a nerd to rival me’ and then adds softly so Zayn has to strain to hear it.

‘Who do you think bought the Batman artwork you did during that exhibition you did in the second term?’

Zayn’s eyes flash across to Liam. ‘That was you?’

Liam smiles across at him, and his cheeks are slightly flushed as if in embarrassment. ‘I’m your number 1 fan Zed’

Zed. The name he puts on all his artwork. And he feels a little dizzy, but it’s not a bad dizzy, at the revelation.

‘Hope I haven’t freaked you out’ and Liam’s eyes are back to displaying that concern again, the worry that should never exist in his eyes and Zayn shakes his head and just says.

‘No’ and then ‘Never’ and he doesn’t know why but he reaches his hand out to Liam’s arm that’s closest to him and it feels like an electric shock as he does but Liam doesn’t shrug him away, instead he meets Zayn’s eyes for a moment before his attention turns back to the road and all Zayn sees is what he feels sure is what Liam sees in his. Warmth and out of nowhere, the promise of something else?

He drops his hand, resting it on his own lap and as the sun starts to shine and the rain ceases, they spend the rest of the journey in silence, the only sound Liam’s fingertips drumming on the wheel as Drake continues to sing.

It takes Liam just 5 minutes to fix the puncture in his wheel, 5 minutes where Zayn takes in every part of him, enjoys the banter as they discuss which superhero they’d be if they had to be and Liam rolls his eyes good naturedly and concedes defeat as Zayn wins their rock, paper, scissors best of 3 to decide who’s Batman.

And then Liam’s stood up and wiping his hands and lifting up the bike, declaring a job well done and Zayn’s honestly got a good mind to find a bit of glass to puncture the wheel again so this time doesn’t have to end but he doesn’t.

Instead he takes the bike from Liam and climbs onto it. And yes he should just thank Liam and then cycle off and then tomorrow in uni, he’ll see him at lunchtime again and he’ll scowl when he glances in his direction and he’ll just remember this time when he’s old and grey and wonder and he’s bit of a sappy so and so really.

Thank goodness Liam is also sappy but also decisive but he’s also apparently a little bit awkward as his hand reaches to the back of his neck, scratching at it and as he starts to talk, red rises up from his neck to his face and his cheeks.

‘So, um, which cinema you seeing BvS at tonight then, you know just in case we bump into each other?’

‘Onyx retail park’ he replies, and he crosses his fingers mentally if not actually ‘You?’

Liam nods. ‘Same, best student discounts and snacks innit?’

Zayn grins. ‘Yeah’

‘Which showing?’ says Liam and Zayn knows this is where the moment gets lost, cos well no one else has Harry they’re going with and Harry who can’t get off work till half 10 so they had to choose the half 11 showing.

So he says it with resignation but Liam’s eyes light up.

‘Same, cos well it’s the best time to go and pick the best spot in the cinema and not be besieged by spotty noisy teenagers’ and then he adds swiftly ‘well apparently’

And he’s right and he doesn’t trust himself to say anything else right now and he shouldn’t be on this bike cos he’s sure it’s not designed to do celebratory wheelies and he’s not 15 anymore and he tries not to get distracted by Liam’s lips as they quirk up and this promise of something else that’s sprung from what, a broken bottle, and a puncture and a shedload of rain and some kindness.

So instead he mutters what he hopes is a non-committal ‘maybe see you later then’ but he knows it sounds too hopeful and then he’s cycling away before he can do something he regrets but not before he hears.

‘I’m counting on it Zed’

And if he does one celebratory wheelie as he turns the corner and leaves Liam’s sight, no one needs to know, right?

**

‘Do I have to though Liam?’ Louis is pouting as he says it. 

‘I mean I didn’t mind the first 5 times cos you paid for the sweets and the nachos, but I’m in danger of getting labelled a nerd if I go with you again’ he pauses ‘or your boyfriend and well I love you, you know I do Payno but..’ he trails off, scuffing at the carpet with his feet.

‘I know, you’ve got your eye on Styles’

‘Have not’ but Louis knows he’s reacted too sharply for it to be anything other than trying too hard to deny the obvious.

‘I mean why would I fancy someone with stupid curly hair, and stupid big green eyes, and those stupid thighs that look like they were the reason skinny jeans were invented?’

‘Beats me Lou’ and he pinches at Louis’ cheeks as he blushes and then swats his hands away muttering words of just one syllable and finishing with just his raised middle finger.

Liam saves the moment, the masterstroke and what’ll tip Louis from being a reluctant attendee to probably running to the cinema now even though it’s only half 5, till he’s in the kitchen flicking the kettle on while Louis shouts answers at the TV, and cursing at the woman who takes a lower offer on The Chase.

‘Course the reason why Zayn said he wasn’t going to the late night showing may have been something to do with Harry working late’ the volume on the TV suddenly gets quieter as Louis points the remote at it.

‘But well,  I know it’s a school night, and I know you hate nerdy films, and I know you’ll want to be tucked up in bed well before half 11’

The remote control narrowly misses his head, as it collides with the cupboard and then falls to bits in front of the kettle.

‘I make that 6 remote controls we’ve got through this term already Tommo, such a waste’ he says mournfully.

He picks up the remnants of the remote and walks across to the pedal bin, dropping it in and slamming it shut as he takes his foot off the pedal.  He turns around and Louis is there leaning against the counter, the TV’s turned off.

‘If you’d withheld that bit of information, till tomorrow, I’d have murdered you in your bed’ 

Liam smirks.  Thing is, even if he looked tough, which he doesn’t, especially not now as he stands there, hair soft, fringe falling across his eyes which he always tugs at and sweeps back in the customary nervous Louis gesture he’s displayed since the first day Liam met him on the first day of secondary school all those years ago and as he wears the Doncaster Rovers shirt which is about 3 sizes too big for him, a present from Louis’ nan.  Louis’ Nan who seems to think that at the grand old age of 20 Louis will suddenly have some growth spurt.   To complete the not tough at all outfit, he wears a pair of fluffy lilac bed socks, he doesn’t fool Liam. He never has.

Louis who when Liam found himself next to him at the first assembly in secondary school, when Liam had felt like a misfit throughout primary school and he didn’t even know why, just how it worked, the pecking order and he wasn’t even the fat kid, that wasn’t why he was picked last, he was just someone who was on the periphery and he’d got used to it, it wasn’t the biggest of deals, was the catalyst for the change in Liam, the person he is now or at least part of it.

Louis who’d cajoled Liam into fun, into accepting that your childhood should be fun and that fun wasn’t about neglecting hard work.    Louis who was his best mate.    Louis who he came out to first. Louis who is everything to him.

Louis who sighs and then as if he’s being put upon in the worst possible way ‘I’ll come I suppose’

The kettle boils and as Liam pours the water into the 2 mugs and crushes the teabag in each mug with a spoon, he glances across at Louis.

‘That’s big of you mate’

‘I know’ and he nods solemnly.  ‘I’m the best friend you’ll ever have Liam and don’t you forget that’

Liam pulls the teabag from each mug and drops it into the caddy, before he pours the milk in stirring it as he does and then he hands the cup to Louis.

‘You’re amazing, especially when there’s something in it for you’

‘Let’s not pretend that I’m the only one thinking with a certain part of my anatomy here Payno’ and he says with a waggle of his eyebrows as he raises the mug to his mouth, blowing at it before he takes a sip.

‘Let’s not go there perhaps eh Louis?’  and he doesn’t know why he suddenly feels shy, this feeling he has when he thinks of Zayn, the way he always feels when he thinks of him, it takes him back to being a kid again because thinking logically about him, apart from a shared love of nerdy films, there’s literally nothing that ties him into him, nothing that should make him feel like there’s even the slightest prospect that it could work.

And yet. 

Louis may be all kinds of things, but he knows Liam and he knows when to shut up so he just nods, touches Liam’s elbow softly and then goes to sit back down.

‘What time’s the showing again?’

‘Half 11 and I’ll have to meet you there as well, cos I’ve got training tonight’

Louis eyebrows raise at that. 

‘More training?’

‘Yeah, coach says that if I put the extra work in I could make the nationals’ 

He pads across the living room, and pushes Louis feet away to make room on the settee and sits down.

‘You wanna be careful you don’t turn into a fish Payno’ he stands up as he says it, walks over to the TV and turns it on before moving back to the settee, planting himself next to Liam ‘Maybe I’ll get Niall to come out to the pub with me’

‘Good idea, though maybe you need to be careful you don’t turn into a fish either with all that drink’ He says it quick as a flash back at Louis who flashes a smile at him, a proud sort of smile at that and then he’s holding his hand for a high five which Liam meets with his own hand.

‘Touché Payno, touché’

 

**

He opens his laptop, and fires up Skype just as he stubs the cigarette out in the ashtray.

He checks his phone to make sure he got the time right and sees he's a few minutes early but if he knows his Mum, he knows she'll already be sat by the family computer.

He logs in and presses a couple of buttons and the dial tone begins, he rakes a hand through his hair and checks himself in the little screen in the corner, he looks tired, he knows he does.

But at least he's dry now.  And for the first time in a while, he's feeling he can be honest talking to his mum, he can talk with some amount of happiness.  

There's butterflies in his stomach, and when he shut his eyes in the shower earlier just after he'd put the shampoo on his hair,  all he saw was crinkly eyes and the brightest smile, and arms that he can imagine holding him.

He talks a good game about the single life and how he's better off alone, but what if he's wrong?   What if it isn't just his Mum and Dad that can have that idyllic marriage?

‘Hello’ comes the voice at the other end and then she's there, smiling.  She looks tired, probably the pain and there's that ever present guilt that sits so deep in him but he knows if he voices it, she'll dismiss it immediately but he's well aware that it can't be easy and while he may just be a phone call away, he knows it would take something big to get her to call on him. 

And that leaves him feeling useless.

'Hi mum' he says and he always think its impossible, how her smile can widen anymore but there it is. 

'How are you love?'   She’s leaning on one of the arms of the wheelchair, chin resting on her hand as he peers into the screen.

'Can't complain, doing okay in art, just doing a few pieces for the big event at the end of the year,  seen Batman v Superman too many times,  Harry's driving me insane with his new age health food crap'  he stops himself and mutters a quick apology. 

She starts to laugh as he does.  'I've heard worse than crap from your mouth before Zayn, just be glad your dad didn't hear you'

He nods. 'Okay, what else?'  He knows what else, but suddenly he wants to keep it a secret.  And it’s not that he's afraid to tell her, he's not even worried that talking about it will jinx it, it’s just that he wants Liam and him, if there is such a thing, to stay under wraps for just a bit longer.

'Might be going to the pictures again tonight'  he mutters it and sees her smile, and a fond shake of the head.

'Do I need to ask what it is you're going to see?' 

'Mum are you calling me predictable?'

She's laughing.  'Yes I am, but that's why I love you Zayn, my precious son' 

It’s quiet for a moment then and he looks at her, he really looks at her.   Her long hair is tied back today, and she's got the usual eyeliner on and mascara and a little bit of blusher, and lip gloss, but he can see the lines of pain as she breathes.  

'How are you mum?'  It’s a simple enough question but as always it’s loaded with more than anyone else could know.

'Oh you know, still on first name terms with my old friend morphine'  she pauses 'The carers come out 4 times a day now, just so the girls don't have to worry about coming home' 

'And the operation?  Any news on that?' 

'I've been upgraded to the cancellation list, still could be a few weeks but that's why I wanted to talk to you Zayn,  did you mean what you said that you'd come and look after the girls when I go in, it’s just'  She stops again and she's picking at the threading on the arm of the wheelchair.   'It’s just I don't want you disrupting your life there just to look after me, your dad could take a leave of absence from the rig'

Zayn's shaking his head though as she says it. 

'No mum, we need the money, dad's only got 2 more years of this and then he can pay off the mortgage and you and him and the girls can move somewhere warm, somewhere that even if the operation works, that it gives you a fighting chance that you'll never feel this pain in a winter again'

She nods and smiles.

'We're so lucky to have a son like you Zayn, I'm just so sorry that you have to do this, that you have to be here for us like this, that you can't be a normal student'

'I'll have you know I am a normal student, got proper wasted on vodka and red bull last week'

'Doesn't count when it’s in the halls Zayn, I don't know how many times I have to tell you to go off and enjoy yourself, you don't have to be on call all the time, that's what the carers are for and your sisters aren't helpless and Doni's a phone call away just like you'

But he knows and she knows it’s not as simple that.  Doniya's 24 now, mother to a 3 month old baby girl, Fariya.   And while she makes it seem like the easiest thing in the world.  They all know it isn't. And she's even further away than Zayn so it DOES fall to Zayn and that's fine.  

'I know that mum but I'd never forgive myself it Wali and Saf phoned and you'd fallen out of bed or your chair and I was too busy swigging back jagerbombs to get back in time, so no and anyway I’m off out tonight, that counts for something'

'Nerd points I reckon' and well true.

He hears the sound of the door slam in their part of the halls and familiar footsteps and then with a brief knock which well why does he even bother especially as he lives here? Harry walks in.

As he looks back towards the screen, his mum's face lights up again.

'Is that Harry?' 

Before Zayn can confirm it, Harry joins him on the settee nudging him out the way and putting on his most winning smile.

‘Patricia’ he shouts, practically deafening Zayn.  'You're looking amazing, how are you?'

She grins but she's definitely a Malik.   'It’s Trisha as well you know young man, but am fine thank you'  then she thinks for a moment 'well relatively anyway'

'How's politics?'  She asks.

'Very political' he drawls but then he amends it with a 'But I love it' 

'And life in general is cool, still single, perpetually but at least I go out' and then he's reaching for Zayn's arm, ruffling his hair 'unlike this hermit right here, unless there's a nerd film out and a nice looking nerd for him to nerd out with'

Zayn flashes him a warning glare but he knows it's too late.  Trisha is like a bloodhound when it comes to hints about Zayn and his love life.  Or lack thereof usually.

'A nice looking nerd?'  And she switches her look from Harry to Zayn.

'Thanks a fucking bunch' Zayn murmurs hoping she won't hear.

'I might have a back that's on its way out Zayn Javaad Malik but my ears are fine'

'Sorry mum'

'That's okay, just be glad that Saf and Wali aren't here to report back to your Dad, now what's this about a nice looking nerd'

Harry stands up at that point and backs away, mouthing ‘sorry’ as he does.

The way Zayn sees it, he has 2 choices.   Lie or trust in that feeling again and as he looks at his mum, at her hopeful expression, of that need for something good to make her smile when the pain is at its worst, he thinks why not share in that excitement and that anticipation for a while?

'Well you know Harry talked me into getting a bike?'

'Yes?'

'Well it got a puncture...'

**

Its 10pm, by the time Liam gets out of the pool.   He takes the swimming cap from his head and moves his arms around in a windmill motion to loosen the muscles as he does.  

It’s been a good session but he's tired.  Like he always is when he's been in the pool.    He walks into the dressing room and straight to his locker, undoing the safety pin that's attached to his swimming briefs then unlocking the door.

It’s just him in the changing room.   It always is by this time, just like it’s usually just him at 5.30am each morning, it starts filling up by about 7am by the time he finishes but no one in uni or at least in this uni, ever gets up much before 7.  

It never occurs to him to feel tired, or question why he does all this, it’s just habit.  Just like all the other clubs he's part of, just like the band he's a member of, he’s just grateful he thinks that he's able to do this.

From a 7 year old kid who could barely muster up enough energy to hold a book much less read it, to how he is now, that's the reason he can't take it for granted. 

He picks up the towel, flinging it onto his shoulder and the shower gel, and shampoo and conditioner in 1 and then strips off the briefs putting them back in his locker and walks over to the shower. 

It’s quiet and he starts to sing, just like always.  The steam from the shower opening up his vocal chords.   He sings the song that he's been writing for the last few days.   The song he's going to play for the band next week.  The song that when he thinks of it now and thinks of the lyrics, he thinks of him. 

And the nerves hit him at once.   He wasn't kidding when he said that Zayn couldn't fool him.   He knows it’s an act.   But that doesn't mean he thinks he's good enough for Zayn.   Zayn has more cool in his little finger than Liam.

Liam could be selling out concert venues across the UK and that wouldn’t change that fact. But he's okay with it, he wants to enjoy the feeling of not having to live up to something for once in his life.

This life, his life in uni is more than he could have dreamed of, but just once he wants to feel no pressure, just once he wants to be able to relax.   And there's something about Zayn, something that promises that. 

He continues to sing as he rinses his hair, and then as he rinses off the shower gel, he reaches across for the towel and dries himself and walks back to the locker.

'One of these days you'll have to decide between the swimming and the singing lad' 

His voice startles him, and he's just about to turn around when he hears him laugh.  It’s not a cruel laugh necessarily, just a bit odd but as he goes to turn around, towel covering his bottom half, he’s gone.

'Huh' he says out loud unsure of what to think but then as he glances at the clock in the wall,  and hears the whistle on his phone, he realises he's already 5 minutes late to meet Louis so he soon forgets.

**

'I'm just saying Zayn that I think the purple went better with your eyes'

They're walking through town heading for the cinema complex and Zayn's regretting bringing Harry along already.    He's cold as well, courtesy of a 30 minute wait with just his cigarettes to keep him occupied outside where Harry worked.  

They won't let Zayn in any more after he got sacked from the job for telling the manager to 'fuck off' when he put the phone down on a customer for calling him all kinds just cos he tried to sell him a test drive with a shitty car.

So instead he'd stood outside, freezing cold, chain smoking until he remembered the number you had to call for the call centre and had spent 15 happy minutes adopting different accents and annoying the shit out of everyone in the call centre, except for Harry.

Cos Harry knew.    Harry knows everything as it turns out.   Or so he says.   Harry needs to get laid to be honest so he can stop boring Zayn with how much he knows.

The point is that Harry DOES know shit.   It’s just that there's one thing that Harry doesn't know about.   Well two things actually.   Art and Fashion.

And he's pretty much showing that to be true by the fact that he's wearing some hideous floral effort which reveals a little bit too much of his chest for a night of nerding at the pictures and a pair of jeans that are probably cutting off half of the circulation to his legs and well his dick to be frank but he doesn't seem to care that he looks like he stepped off the set of some godawful 70s porno. 

No, instead he's lecturing Zayn on his fashion choices.   And Zayn doesn't make fashion faux pas.   Not since he was 16 and he turned up to a party with a brown, yellow and blue gilet with a t-shirt he'd pestered his mum to buy him which had 'make love, NOOO make war'  as its logo and no he still doesn't understand what possessed him, not to mention some green jeans and white trainers.

He learned everything that night.   Not just how not to fuck up your clothes for a party, but just how he would only let certain people in.   Like Harry.   Harry who he met at that party and maybe that's why he still gives Zayn a hard time actually.

Anyway, Harry's wrong tonight.   He's wearing a pair of black jeans, a prince t-shirt, and a dark green jacket.  No gel at all tonight, just his hair in its natural state and then his black zip up boots. 

Simple but effective. 

He checks his watch again.  It’s just after 11pm now, and he thinks that's fair enough. Not too early, but not too late.   Their seats aren't reserved, its late enough and the film's been out weeks already that he knows it could just be him, Harry and Liam and whoever he's bringing with him to the cinema in the auditorium.

They're crossing the road opposite the cinema, and the pub on the corner is just at chucking out time when the door opens and out comes Niall, who Zayn knows from uni, pretty much everyone knows Niall and then his heart sinks a bit, Louis.  

He knows as Louis holds the door open that it’s inevitable that Liam will follow.    And it’s not even as though it should be a surprise.   He's seen Liam with Niall and Louis around uni so many times before, he'd just forgotten.

And it’s not even as though he has any reason to make assumptions about Louis.  He's not spoken to him.   He's barely even heard him.  They're in completely different circles.  Well, were.   And he reasons that the fact that he's out with Liam AND Niall mustn't make him too much of a dickhead.

'Zayn'   they reach the cinema and Zayn and Harry turn at the voice.   It’s Niall who sprints the remaining distance between them holding out his hand in greeting.  

'Hi mate' he says and then he turns to Harry.

‘Harry, this is Niall, Niall this is Harry'

‘I know, we met when I was a short-lived member of the darts club'  

'Yeah very short-lived cos Gabe had to go back to South Africa, right?'

Harry gives a rueful grin, putting his hand to his brow.  'Fated love, nothing worse' 

'Fucks sake Harry, you sure you're not in Drama instead of politics?' Niall's laughing as he says it.

Zayn loves Niall.   He doesn't know much about him but he knows he's sound.   And maybe through Liam, he'll finally start to know him.  

The sound of someone clearing their throat comes from behind him and Zayn turns.   Its Liam and there's Louis stood next to him, he's not even looking at Zayn but very openly staring at Harry and well let him, he doesn't care as he looks at Liam.

Liam who's got a dark blue bomber jacket on unzipped for now, and underneath that he's wearing a white t-shirt or top, it’s hard to tell, and then a pair of faded blue jeans and a pair of blue and white trainers on.  His hair's how it usually is, sort of messy but it looks as good as always and as his eyes stop their appraisal of him, his eyes meet Liam's. 

And the fucker looks amused, cocky even.  

'Hello Zayn' 

'Liam'  and then before he can fuck things up for himself, he glances at his watch 'Let’s go watch the film then eh?' and he makes for the door of the cinema.

He pretends not to hear Louis saying 'His small talk, that's why you fell for him isn't it Payno?'

Yeah. He was right.  He hates Louis Tomlinson.

**

He doesn't quite know how they end up sitting next to each other.   While Louis and Harry occupy one row, one at either end while Niall commandeers the back row and merrily chucks popcorn up in the air, catching it with his mouth.

But there they are, sat next to each other.   Liam has a tray of nachos, Louis nicked the other 2 trays, and a large Dr Pepper while Zayn has a box of popcorn which he picks at with his fingers but hasn't shown any sign of eating so far, while he sips at the bottle of Oasis.  

'Not surprised we've got the cinema to ourselves' he says, deciding small talk’s probably safest  'Means we can do whatever we want at least'

The words tumble out of his mouth like word vomit.   And it’s basically the equivalent of 'I carried a watermelon' and he only knows about that cos of Nic and Roo okay but honestly Liam.

Zayn's mouth quirks into a smile before he lifts the bottle to his mouth again, and Liam can't take his eyes away.   He wonders how anyone could make drinking from a bloody Oasis bottle of all things so dirty.  So filled with innuendo.   Zayn manages it though before he pulls it away.

'Define we can do whatever we want at least please Liam’ and the way he accentuates his name is like no one ever did before.  He draws out the first part and then cuts off the second and Liam decides he never liked his name being spoken quite like this before.

They're interrupted by the sound of the doors creaking open to their screen and a man of about 50 stands in front of them.

'The screen's screwed up I'm afraid and we've closed all the other screens for the night, we'll give you your money back and some vouchers for refreshments but we'll have to call it a night lads'

'Oh no that's a terrible shame'

Liam stifles a laugh as Louis really does need to improve his acting skills.   

Zayn mutters his disappointment and thanks to the cinema bloke who mumbles something about giving them 5 minutes before he'll come in and chuck them out and then disappears out their way.

'Well I don't know about anybody else' says Louis 'But those pints earlier gave me a real appetite, anyone fancy a curry?' and as Liam turns his head towards him he's gesturing at Harry.

'You up for it Harold?'

'Harry'

'Yeah that's what I said, up for it Harold?'

‘Harold’ Harry repeats it to himself, and smiles, to himself he probably thinks but Liam can hear Zayn mutter 'Oh fuck’ to the side of him.

'What?' he says looking at Zayn.

'You'll see’ he sighs and then he stands up from his seat and gestures at Liam to do the same.

'I'm not even hungry, but someone needs to keep an eye on Casanova over there before he falls in love and plans to elope with your mate in a couple of hours' 

Liam must look as disbelieving as he feels and Zayn shakes his head slightly, wearing the look of someone that's been here too many times before.

'You'll see what I mean?'  And he's climbing over the seats in front before Liam can move and following Louis and Harry out the door. 

'You coming Niall' calls Liam to his mate who's still in the back seat.

'Yeah, though got football practice at 7am tomorrow morning’ and he's racing down the stairs till he's next to Liam and he pats him on the chest.

'Ah guess not'

**

Its 3am by the time they fall out of the curry house and okay maybe Louis isn't such a wanker after all.

Maybe just a grade b instead of double a plus one.    And Niall, well Niall is superb.  

Niall is someone he discussed art with, politics with, the meaning of life with, well maybe not quite but that's what it felt like and he's just sound alright, and he's not had an easy time of it,  broken home,  tough and not entirely loving upbringing and yet he doesn't hide behind it all.

He's not like Zayn who literally only Harry knows all the history with his family, and why he is like he is.    Niall's an open book and yet he's like this treasure trove of new facts that Zayn finds all the time and the more he discovers the more he wants to know.

Then there's Liam.  Liam who has probably spoken about 5 or 6 sentences tonight.  And yet Liam who he barely knows anything more about, but he knows he got him wrong.   Liam isn't the cocky little jock like shit who talks all about the clubs he's in, and bores the pants out of people, no Liam has the self-assuredness, the easy charm of someone who knows he's interesting, who knows he's got something about him, and doesn't feel the need to fill silences with words,   he's got this patience, this aura of calm.  While Louis and Harry and Niall in their different ways are all noise, and happiness and balls of something which Zayn needs.

Liam's that, he laughs like you've just told him the funniest thing in the universe when you've just told him a knock knock joke.  He listens, probably for the umpteenth time when Niall talks about having to choose between living with his mum or dad when he was 7 and places a hand on Niall's and Zayn sees Niall exhale with a feeling of relief like a weight's off him, like it’s the first time he told it and permission for him to breathe, but he only does it when Liam touches his hand.

And when Louis gets too loud, when Louis wants to play, when the teasing gets too far, Liam’s there, a word in his ear and Louis calms, he's still playful and Liam joins in but its without cruelty and Louis shoves Niall (gently) out the way and actually moves out of eye contact range with Harry for 5 minutes at one point and he's whispering in Liam's ear and Liam's laughing.

And Zayn wants all of Liam.  He wants all of this.   He hesitates to think it but perhaps he needs it.

He needs someone he can talk about his mum to, he needs that person who can pull him out of his moods, his solitude, and maybe finally he's ready to let that happen. 

He lights up the cigarette as Liam presses the end call button on his phone and says out loud to no one in particular.

'Taxi will be here in 5 minutes'

Zayn lifts himself up onto the wall by the side of the curry house and watches as Harry and Louis talk a few metres way.  He can't hear what they're saying, but Louis keeps laughing, keeps swiping his fringe away from his eyes.

Niall is on the phone to his on/off girlfriend or maybe it’s a boyfriend, he hasn't made it clear yet. 

'He likes him you know’ Liam lifts himself up onto the wall next to Zayn and he's gesturing in the direction of Louis.

'It takes a lot for him to admit it, to open up the walls'   and then he pauses before quietly adding 'Just like someone else I can think of'

Zayn gives him a sidelong look.  But it’s not with any malice and as he takes a drag and then puffs out the smoke.

Quietly too he agrees.  'You might be right'

They sit silently next to each other, it’s a companionable silence, and without even thinking the fingers of his left hand link with Liam's right. 

He looks at him, a question in his expression and Liam smiles, a quiet satisfied kind of smile before his fingers curl over Zayn's and they sit there till the taxi comes, Zayn smoking.  Just them with the occasional burst of laughter coming from Louis and Harry and the occasional indignant 'But I only had 3 pints, now say its okay for me to come over' from Niall.

The taxi comes beeping its horn as it arrives and Harry and Louis pile into the back while Niall jumps into the front.

Liam jumps off the wall, while Zayn stubs out the cigarette where Liam's hand was just in his and he's just about to jump off it himself when Liam's hand reaches for his and he has to stifle a laugh,

'That's very chivalrous of you Liam'

Liam lets out a half laugh/half giggle, and his face flushes.

'Sorry - old habits around me mum and me sisters die hard'  

'No, I like it'   and as he lets Liam help him and as he lands next to him, he places a hand on Liam's chest to stop him walking towards the taxi.

Liam turns his head to face him.  'The meter's on Zayn - we've got to-'

'I like it and I like you okay and this is me in my cack-handed way of asking you on a, well a date, just us, without them idiots’ and he's gesturing towards the car just as Niall winds down the window.

'I'm on a promise and I need the loo, hurry up you two' 

Liam smiles, turning fully to face him.   'I think I like your cack-handed way of dealing with things Zayn, it feels like I'm getting the real you, and I think I could get used to the real you'

He doesn't know where the new found bravery comes from.   He doesn't want to question it, he just wants to take advantage of it, and maybe the pressure of time helps him too but he's still surprised when he finds the words.

'Pizza Express, 8pm tomorrow, just you and me' and then he reaches for his wallet and pulls out the NUS card 'oh and the student discount'

The feel of Liam's lips against his own is fleeting and for a moment he thinks he imagines it, till he feels a tug on his hand and as he looks at Liam, he catches him lick at those same lips and smile at Zayn.

'That's a yes is it?'  He thanks his brain for not following his heart which thuds out a beat at 90 to the dozen for how this night has turned out.

As he slams the door of the taxi behind him and finds himself opposite Liam, their hands join again.

Liam nods and smiles and murmurs 'You could say that, yes you could'

**

He’s walking across the car park heading to the first lecture of the day, when he hears the ring of a bell behind him.   He turns to find Zayn cycling up towards him, he’s not wearing a helmet which he’ll have to have words with him about and the bag he’s got is across his chest, he’s holding a poster roll under his arm which looks precarious there and he’s basically an accident waiting to happen as he wobbles when he lifts the hand in greeting and the poster roll topples onto the ground.

Liam walks across to where the poster roll fell and picks it up while Zayn pulls up to a stop beside him, still perched on the bike, though one leg touches the floor so it doesn’t move and the other remains on a pedal.

‘Thanks Liam’  he smiles and takes the poster roll from his hands, their fingers touch slightly and Liam almost laughs at the cliché that is the shock and tiny burst of electricity he feels when it happens. 

‘You’re welcome’

People pass by heading to their lectures, as they face each other, Liam’s sort of aware of them but it’s hard to be fully aware, when he’s faced with Zayn.  The silence, it’s kind of companionable, but as always in the cold light of day, it feels like it drags on longer than it should and Liam starts to shift uncomfortably.

They both start to speak at the same time before Liam says ‘you first?’

Zayn half nods and then peers up at Liam ‘So, erm, you still okay for tonight?’

Liam nods, unsure if the nod is too eager or not, uncaring if it is.   ‘Pizza Express at 8?’

Zayn grins ‘Yep, would offer you a lift you know but backies on this thing wouldn’t exactly be romantic’

‘I wouldn’t mind’ says Liam.  ‘But probably for the best we don’t so I’ll see you at 8’

And they grin at each other.  And Liam walks backwards until he almost collides with a lamp post, he’s grateful Zayn doesn’t see and then he turns around and he practically skips to his first lecture with excitement.

**

Zayn’s never been the type of person to get to places too early, he’s not someone who thrives on being late either, but he’s always appreciated an extra five minutes in bed, an extra five minutes to listen to music, five more minutes to watch his favourite scene in his favourite film and yeah okay, five more minutes to imagine Liam naked.

The problems only start when the five minutes turn into ten minutes, turn into twenty and so on.  And let’s face it there’s a lot of imagining to be done with Liam.

And he imagines Liam when he’s lying on his bed, when he’s naked in the shower, when he’s making a cup of tea and imagining him being there next to him.  It gets to the point where he almost has an imaginary conversation with him.

Thankfully he doesn’t go that far.   He doesn’t know or understand quite how things have transformed so fast.   How he feels so ready to accept having Liam there, how it actually feels weird to not consider him here when just over 24 hours ago, he didn’t factor in any of his thoughts.  Except for occasional glances across the cafeteria in uni.

If Harry was here, he’d tell him that it’s what love is about, the willingness to accept someone into your life.   But Harry isn’t here, no Harry texted him earlier to say he was going out for ‘a quick coffee with Louis’ 

That was four hours ago, and when he sent a message half an hour ago to make sure he hadn’t been hacked to death or something, he’d just got a smiley frog emoji back.    He thinks that somewhere along the line that’s Harry code for the fact he’s in Louis’ bed right now but he can’t be certain.

And Harry _isn’t_ here, so Zayn refuses to entertain the idea that its love.  Not when it’s all so new after all.

 And yet what if it is. What if this feeling is the start of it?   It’s not as though he knows what it’s about.  How it truly feels.  He’s had boyfriends, he’s even had a girlfriend but he never felt much more than a mild feeling of pleasure when he saw them.

 But this IS different.  Liam is different and he shouldn't be like this. He shouldn't be here having spent the last 24 hours or more with that flutter in his stomach and the smile that creeps at the end of his mouth every time he thinks of him.

He shouldn't be thinking like this, and yet here he is.  Staring at his reflection in the toilets at Pizza Express, having arrived stupidly early half an hour ago and even as he glances at his watch, he can see it’s still 10 minutes before they agreed to meet up.

He turns on the tap and with a dab of water, plucks at his hair a little bit, spiking it up, trying his best to kind of perk it up as much as he can.  Next week, he'll colour it again, just that little bit of blond like he used to have.   Like during 6th form.

He inspects his reflection in the mirror, he's wearing a simple t-shirt this time with a pair of newish blue jeans and the trainers he bought earlier today in a fit of 'oh shit I've got nothing new to wear' and he's got the leather jacket Mum and Dad bought for him for Christmas, he thinks he looks vaguely presentable.  

Walking over to the hand dryer, he feels the tremble back again, and then just as his hands are drying he hears the message tone on his phone, after about 20 more seconds and with his hands now dry, he pulls the phone out and unlocks it.

'Am stupidly earlyyyyy - but am hereeee - want a drink?  :))))))'

Two questions occur to him.   1.  How can anyone be so fucking endearing and special just in a text message? and 2. How is he going to explain the fact that he's been here for ages already?

It’s like he's this new person though.  Like he's a stranger to himself because though he looks away from the message for a moment, he has to look again and well, he doesn't even need to see his own reflection to know that he's got this stupid soppy grin on his face.  Liam does that to him.  And okay, he thinks it’s safe to admit to himself that he likes it.   He actually likes it.

And the most surprising part is that as he puts the phone away in the inside pocket of his leather jacket, he doesn't give a shit about pretence, and as he opens the door and walks through the restaurant and then as he spots Liam stood at the bar with his back to him, glancing at his phone and as he reaches him, he actually places his hands over Liam's eyes and whispers into his ear.

'Guess who?' 

And the skip in his heart, the feeling in his stomach as Liam's hands reach up for his and as Liam pulls them away and then turns to face him, with this huge grin on his face.    He wonders how he ever lived without it before.

**

‘Cheers’ he raises the glass and Zayn raises his to meet it.

They share a smile and then he looks back to the menu, at all the choices.

'What you going to have?' he asks

'Well its chicken something or one of the veggie pizzas I reckon’ he nods then 'I know, I’ll have the Margherita Bufala' and then he drops the menu down onto the table with a triumphant smile.

Liam peers back at it and eyes down the menu till he sees what Zayn's having.

'Wow, see normally I'd be all over the pepperoni and the sausage or the bacon stuff, but that looks fucking amazing'

'See, pork stuff is out for me but don't feel you can't have pork stuff just cos I'm around' 

Liam's an idiot really.  It literally hadn't crossed his mind.  And yes he knows Zayn is Muslim.   Zayn would possibly be mildly freaked out, okay an understatement, if he knew how much Liam knew about him but he'd still forgotten in all the excitement, in all the nerves, in all the thrill of being sat here, just him opposite Zayn, that pork, pepperoni and all that was off the menu for him.

And he wants to apologise, and he's so aware that he's just sat there like a goldfish right now, probably a constipated looking goldfish at that and maybe goldfish aren't capable of constipation but the analogy works for him right now.  But instead he says nothing.  

But thank goodness for Zayn Malik. Thank goodness for the fact that he's the best person ever.  

'Don't stress Liam' and then he's reaching his hand across, and touching Liam's and once again it feels like a kind of electric shock, but it’s a good feeling.  And it’s one of reassurance and one of 'don’t sweat it babe’ all in one touch.

So he nods, mutters a 'thank you' and then as the waiter arrives and Zayn orders his pizza, Liam just says 'Same for me'.

The waiter leaves them then and there's a silence for a couple of minutes. Not an awkward one, just like the night before, it’s like they've known each other for so long, like this is the most familiar thing in the world to him.

But while he knows Zayn, he knows the Zayn in uni, he knows every part of his art, and he feels like that gives him an insight into something of Zayn.  He wants to know more but he takes a sip of his lager first, just to give him that tiny bit of Dutch courage and then he clears his throat.

'So got any brothers or sisters?'

Zayn smiles over the rim of his glass and then sets it down. 

'3 sisters, 1 older Doniya, 2 younger Waliyha and Safaa, no brothers and a Dad that works away but he's the man I most respect in the entire universe and then the best mum ever even though she's not in the best health'  

'I'm sorry to hear that' Liam says and Zayn offers him a half smile and a sincere 'thanks mate' but his eyes shutter off just for a moment and Liam isn't an idiot, not always as he takes the hint that the conversation is over.  Or at least part of it is. For now.    

'And you're from Yorkshire?'

'Bradford yeah' Zayn nods as he says it.  'it’s okay, it’s very northern, it’s had its fair share of shit over the years and it’s not always easy, but its home and home is just about my favourite thing in the world' 

Liam thinks he mishears the next five words.   But as Zayn dips his head shyly as he finishes saying them perhaps he didn't mishear 'Or at least it was'

'How about you Liam, cos all I know about you is that you're sport Billy almost, the man that literally ticked every single box for every club on offer when he first started and that you're this'  and he's gesturing at Liam.  'And yet I still don't feel like I know you'.

Liam hates this bit.  He hates where every illusion people usually have about him is shattered.  In an instant.

'I'm from Wolverhampton, 2 older sisters, Nicola and Ruth, mum and dad who are so amazing and did everything they could to make sure I could get to Uni'   He trails off hoping that Zayn will accept that.

He doesn't.

'Come on Liam, there's got to be more to you than that'

And Liam wants to bite back and say the same to Zayn.  And yet he's realising that he knows Zayn so much more than anyone could ever claim to know Liam.   Except for Louis and possibly Niall but even Niall only knows certain things.  And that's taken them both years to get that trust.

He wants to say that but Zayn has this effect on him and he's not sure whether he likes this part or not yet.

But tell him he does.   Even as their pizzas arrive, and even as his starts to go cold as Zayn's listens intently.   As Liam tells him about his ill health as a kid, about not fitting in because of his ill health to begin with and then his shyness, and how Zayn seems to know exactly what that's about, how he bounced back and yet he can count the number of true friends he's got still in Wolverhampton on what, 2 fingers?  How as his shyness disappeared with the confidence boxing lessons gave him, his dad discovered he could sing, by accident one summer holiday and his dad always encouraged him and he went everywhere singing.

How he thought of applying for talent competitions but decided against it, how swimming is his life, and how he came out.

Except he didn't.  He was forced out.  In school anyway and that's why he has just 2 friends.

When he finishes, he wants to pull all the words back into his mouth, he wants to wipe that look off Zayn's face and he wants to high tail it out of this restaurant and pretend it never happened. 

And he knows the pizza is cold, but he has to do something, anything to distract him, and it’s chewy and its cold but at least it takes his mind away.

Till he feels the hand on his again and then Zayn's talking and it’s a blur for a moment, till he starts to listen and Zayn's telling him about his childhood, about his own coming out, about the fact that when his Dad comes back from being away, there's this unspoken resentment and how he has a lot of friends still in Bradford but that it wasn't till he knew Harry, truly knew Harry that he felt accepted.

And Liam knows they're worlds apart.   Their families, their lives, everything and yet as his fingers curl over and start to tickle against Zayn's., he's never felt so linked.  So entwined.

It’s dry, and it’s warm albeit with a slight chill in the air when the wind blows as they walk out the restaurant.   

Zayn lights up the second they get out, and Liam for so long hated the smell of cigarettes.   But the combination of the smell, and Zayn's cologne along with his own is heady. 

And he doesn't think he's drunk from that, he doesn't think he's drunk from the 3 drinks he had in the restaurant.   He's just happy.   He's never exactly been unhappy before but it was a different kind of happy previously.

Zayn stubs the cigarette against the wall and then moves away from it pulling out the mints from his pocket, offering one to Liam who shakes his head and then he stares at Liam.

'Sooooo'  and he's closing in on Liam, and Liam can smell the garlic on his breath now combined with the smell of  smoke on his jacket and the mint.  And he suspects he's just as garlicky even though he only managed half the pizza himself.

'Sooo' he finds himself saying it back. And then there's a wicked grin on Zayn's face.

'Harry was firmly ensconced at your place in the halls last time I checked' 

Liam nods, a slow nod, maddeningly slow apparently as Zayn clears his throat and scuffs at Liam's trainers to grab his attention. 

'I deffo need some sleep tonight'

Zayn grins at that 'Lots of sleep'  and then without taking his eyes away from Liam's he's presses a button on his phone and then pulls the phone up to his ear.

'Taxi please ASAP from Pizza Express in town’ and then as the person on the other end asks for his name.

He flashes a devilish smile and winks.  'Malik-Payne'

The flutter in Liam's stomach confirms everything Liam thought the moment he laid eyes on Zayn Malik.   He's fucked.

**

Zayn turns on the light as soon as he opens the door to his and Harry's space in the halls.  It’s just a small kitchen with a space for a small lounge, with 2 bedrooms and then a toilet and tiny shower.

There's another shower up a couple of flights of stairs but Zayn normally gets by.   Harry struggles a bit but then again that's on account of him having freakishly long arms and legs so that's his problem.

Liam follows on behind him and gazes around the room.  Zayn watches him as he takes everything in and then takes the opportunity to look at Liam, to appreciate him.

He's wearing a plaid shirt, blue and white, with the same pair of jeans he wore last night.   He's wearing a different pair of trainers tonight.   His hair is just the right length, long enough that Zayn can picture himself raking his hands through it but not too long and he's got the perfect amount of stubble, stubble that was barely there last night.

He crosses the room, throwing a glance and smiling at Zayn as he does and Zayn can scarcely take his eyes off Liam's mouth but then Liam's saying his name and he’s staring at the art on the wall.

'Did you do this?' he gestures at it. 

Zayn walks the short distance to him and stands next to him. 

'Yeah I did'

'It’s amazing'   Zayn thinks Liam's biased cos in effect it was just a 5 minute job.  His own creation.  His own version of the Batman vs Superman movie poster.  

It was a silly thing and it's just something for him. And it’s all black in one area, with flecks of yellow and shapes of a bat versus the stark blues and reds on the other side and he's not even sure why it’s on the wall except probably Harry probably found it in the corner of the room and decided to put it up.

So yeah it’s something for him but of course…

'You can have it babe' and then before he can change his mind, he kneels on the settee and pulls it from the wall, then rolls it up as he walks towards one of the drawers and pulls out an elastic band and wraps it round it several times before he bends down propping it against the wall near the door.

As he stands up, he feels himself pushed against the door and Liam's hands are all over his body, and his lips are pressed against his, before his mouth parts and Liam's tongue meets his, and all the while his hands explore Liam's body while Liam's do the same to his.

And then their lips part for a moment, and he knows his grin is a mirror image of Liam's right now.  And Liam's eyes are bright with desire and Zayn wants to suck at his birthmark, but instead he lifts a hand up and runs his fingers over it.

'Bedroom now' is all he gets out. 

And then they're stumbling across the room, hands pulling at the buttons on Liam's shirt while Liam lifts the shirt up over Zayn's head and then as they get into Zayn's bedroom and he's kicking at the clutter on the floor, they pull apart for a moment.

And they stare at each other and Zayn doesn't know what he's doing.  He wants so much to spend the next few hours exploring every part of Liam, and from the look on Liam's face its mutual. And yet he doesn't. 

There's this feeling. And it’s not nerves at fucking Liam.  Liam's in no way his first and he knows that’s the same for Liam.  But there's something that's different, and something that tells him yes he could do this.  And why not tonight?  But he doesn't want to.  Well that's a lie obviously cos his dick is telling him different, his heart is joining in but his head just says no.

And he's muttering an apology as he crosses to Liam and he's places a finger through the belt loop at the back of Liam's jeans as he continues to murmur his apologies but then Liam presses a hand on his chest and Zayn pulls away a little.

He's smiling. That warm smile that fills every single part of Zayn with this new feeling.  

'Its fine babe’, and then he presses a kiss to Zayn's lips. And leads him back into the living room area.

They sit on the settee together and Zayn thinks he never fit so well with anyone before. 

'This is great’ Liam says and he presses a kiss to Zayn's head ‘No this is perfect'.

And Zayn couldn't agree more.

**

The morning comes and wakefulness springs on Liam with a crash of plates and chorus of swear words.

'Fuck fuckity fuck'

He blinks himself awake and looks over the back of the settee and across to Zayn who's running a finger under the cold tap and then sucking at it as he pulls it away, pouting at the finger as he does.

'Here let me' and Liam stands up, stretching out as he crosses to where Zayn is and then he gently holds his finger under the cold tap again.

'What were you doing?'  And he glances across at the saucepan on the hob which is on its side now, the remaining water dripping onto the floor.

'Trying and failing to make poached eggs'   he says it with a rueful smile.

'Thoughtful' teases Liam before he pulls Zayn's hand away from the tap and inspects his finger before raising it to his mouth and kissing it, tenderly, just for a second.

He swears that Zayn's eyes dilate for a moment, and there's this blissed out look on his face despite the discomfort on his finger.

And Liam could stay like this forever but as he glances at the clock on the wall he sees that its high time they were heading to lectures so reluctantly he drops Zayn's hand, but then he looks around the room and sees what he was looking for, the first aid box that’s in every single area like this in the halls and then he's reaching into it and pulling out some gauze and bandage.

He pulls out the small pair of scissors and then holds the gauze over Zayn’s finger, before he cuts an appropriately sized piece and then undoes the bandage before he holds the gauze in place and then wraps the bandage round it loosely instructing Zayn to place a finger on his other hand on top of it and then ties it in a loose knot.  

‘Just keep it on for today in art, okay, wouldn’t do any good to get an infection or get paint if a blister comes up on there and it burst’  he explains.

Zayn smiles ‘Nurse Payne are we?’ 

‘Fuck off Malik’ is his response and the laugh he gets from Zayn feels like the best thing.  He quickly tidies up the hob area and dries the water from the floor while Zayn leans against the counter.

‘Letting me do all the work are we you lazy sod?’ 

Zayn holds up his hand with the small bandage on and bats his eyelashes at him.  ‘I’m injured Liam’ 

‘Bet you won’t be too injured to lift a cigarette in a few minutes when we leave’ 

Zayn nods his head. ‘That’s true, I also won’t be too injured to thank you properly tonight’  he’s biting at his lip and his hooded eyes as he says it are full of promise, and look he just doesn’t need the distraction right now.  The temptation.  Except that’s all he needs.

He’s saved from the prospect of never making it outside today and well saved is a relative term, by the insistent ring tone of his phone and so he walks across to where the phone is on the coffee table by the settee feeling Zayn’s gaze on him as he does.

‘Hi Tommo’ 

Zayn rolls his eyes at him and then he walks across the room and into his bedroom for just a moment while Liam continues to listen to Louis who it feels like hasn’t taken a breath since Liam answered the phone and apparently Harry stayed at his last night, and apparently they’re halfway to marriage already and did Liam realise that he has such a huge dick and how he’s in love, but maybe its lust.

And it continues like that for 5 more minutes so Liam sits down on the settee, saying nothing but smiling at Zayn as he comes out the room, he’s got a t-shirt on now, different one from last night.  ‘All eyez on me’ it reads and he’s holding out a shirt for Liam.  It looks like a Henley. 

Liam mouths his thanks at him, and actually puts the phone down for a moment, checking first that Louis is still talking and well he thinks eventually he’ll shut up as he pulls the shirt on over him, resting it on his nose as he does to put his arms through the sleeves and then he pulls it down.  It’s slightly snug but not overly so.   

Zayn nods at him with approval and then he turns away while Liam picks up the phone again and Tommo is still talking till everything goes quiet but Liam can hear a voice in the background and then Louis is laughing but then apologising.

‘Sorry Payno, can’t help it, all excited about being young and in love, how was the date and your lack of a return home last night was noted?’

Liam snorts. ‘In between all your shagging?   I don’t believe you Louis’

‘Okay fair point but I noticed you weren’t here this morning so that counts for something, anyway stop dodging the question how did it go?’

Liam says nothing for a moment.  He watches as Zayn opens up his bag and puts pens, and other things in it, including a bottle of water and then as he looks into the mirror by the door and plays with his hair.

‘It went great Louis, tell you all about it later’ He can hear the start of a response from Louis but he ends the call and crosses the room to Zayn and they watch each other in the mirror.

‘I like you’  and then he pauses, just for a moment, and then he half whispers/half kisses into Zayn’s ear ‘A lot’

And they smile at each other in the mirror.   Before Liam opens the door and walks through it, and then as he turns Zayn is bending down and picking up the art for Liam and he hands it to him and then shuts the door, locking it.

They walk down the corridor together and Liam looks across to Zayn, then switching the art to his other arm, he finds Zayn’s hand and they walk together.

**

Zayn isn’t psychic at all. He doesn’t foresee things really.  If he could play the lottery, then he’d be losing loads of money each week cos he literally has no skills whatsoever.

But the moment they set foot outside of halls, he feels something.   And all he knows is that it’s not a good feeling.  Foreboding is the right word for it. 

Liam’s hand is still in his, and it’s not about that, and no one’s even noticing he doesn’t think. They’re just another couple around campus.  As anonymous as all the others.  But from somewhere, he feels this sudden urgency.   And it’s not to get to lectures cos he knows Liam’s first one is after his and his isn’t till 11am and its only quarter past 10 now.

It’s something else.  Zayn grips Liam’s hand slightly harder, and he doesn’t flinch, he just squeezes Zayn’s hand a little more in response, and he sends a smile his way.

Zayn stops walking. Liam stops with him and then turns to face him. He’s got a quizzical look on his face. Slightly concerned. 

‘Zayn?’  When he gets no response he tries again ‘Zed?’

Zayn doesn’t reply instead he goes with his instinct and gets out his phone and then he says quietly to Liam, question in his voice.  ‘Selfie?’

Liam clucks at him.  ‘Of course babe, you didn’t think I’d say no did you?’  And he wishes he could tell Liam that that’s not where this sudden worry has come from, but he doesn’t.

Instead his arm wraps round Liam while Liam nestles into him and from somewhere he pulls up the most natural smile, a smile that he didn’t think he could find but he does, and he takes the picture.  Not one, but a couple.

A need to savour this. To record it for always. 

And then he pulls away.   And Liam’s tilting his head, a look that combines confusion and concern.   But Zayn just puts his phone back in his jeans pocket and then his hand finds Liam’s again and they carry on walking.

Its five minutes later, when his phone rings, and when he pulls it out and sees that it’s Waliyha, there’s almost a feeling of relief.   That whatever this is, doesn’t have anything to do with Liam and he feels like the worst person ever but he thought his foreboding was to do with Liam.

‘Hiya Wali’ he says as presses the green button to take the call.

The guilt does anything but go away.  As he hears his sister’s voice, as he hears her words, but he can barely take them in.  As he hears ‘Hospital’  and ‘Mum’ and ‘please come’ , he’s dimly aware of his body trembling and he’s even more dimly aware of hands that lower him to the ground and then he hears Liam, and the phone being taken from his grasp.

And all he hears is the soothing sound of Liam’s voice.  

‘I’m sorry mum’ he says to himself.  ‘I’m sorry’.

**

Zayn doesn’t move for the entire time that they wait for Niall to arrive.   Liam stays on the phone long enough with Zayn’s sister to get the name of the hospital and to get some idea of what’s happened before she excuses herself.

He’s managed to lift Zayn onto the bench now, and people aren’t looking anymore.   It’s wrong to say that Zayn isn’t moving though, because the constant up and down movement of Zayn’s leg is there and there’s a tremble through his body and the gentle circular strokes on Zayn’s back don’t seem to be easing that.

He keeps mumbling.  ‘I knew something had happened’ over and over again.  And Liam’s thinking back to last night.  To Zayn mentioning his mum and he wants to kick himself for not probing some more, when it could prove so worthwhile now.

But he didn’t and so he just has to act, just has to get Zayn to where he needs to be.  And yes he knows he could get him to the station.  Zayn isn’t even officially his boyfriend yet, they only talked for the first time, less than 48 hours ago and yet it feels like Zayn’s never not been a part of his life and so there’s no question in his mind that this is what he needs to do.

10 minutes later and there’s the screech of brakes and the tell-tale sign that Niall’s arrived and he looks behind him and there he is running up the steps to Liam and Zayn.

He looks worried. Genuinely.  And if it’s possible, the concern grows when he lays eyes on Zayn.

‘What happened?’

Liam doesn’t want to move but given the circular motions aren’t helping him and given Niall just ducked out of a lecture to help them he owes him so he stands up, a careful pat on Zayn’s knee which he shows no sign of noticing and he moves next to Niall.

‘Everything was fine, though he seemed a bit tense, just like the old Zayn, well from a couple of days ago anyway, and then he gets a phone call and he practically collapsed on me and it was his sister’ he pauses ‘his mum’s been rushed to hospital, collapsed this morning, she’s going for an operation that was she was waiting for anyway but cos she’s worsened or something then it’s a bigger thing’

‘Shit’ is all Niall says.   ‘So what you doing?’

‘I’m taking him home, to Bradford’ 

‘Liam, are you sure you should?’ and then he amends it to ‘Are you sure that heap will make it there and back?’

Liam shrugs.  ‘As long as it gets us there then I’ll walk back’

Niall nods.  ‘Do you want me to tell your professors?’  

‘Yes please and coach as well, had a double session tonight – will make it up over the next few days, do some morning sessions too’ 

Niall pats Liam’s arm ‘Will do buddy’ and then he’s reaching into his jeans pocket, and pulling out his wallet and some notes ‘Here, take these, for petrol’

‘No I can’t Niall’ 

‘Yes you can, and you will, we’re all up to our eyes in student debt and if I could I’d sack off lectures today and come with you but I can’t so let me do this and you know that Tommo will go halves with me anyway’

Liam could argue. And on any other day and any other circumstance, he would.  But he just looks behind him at Zayn.  And his legs have stopped moving and he’s looking more with it but he almost wishes he didn’t because there’s this lost look on his face, and it’s like he’s aged days in minutes.

So he sighs and then smiles his thanks. ‘I owe you one Nialler’ 

Niall pulls him in for a hug and then murmurs a ‘just get yourself and him up there and safe and sound and then you back to us in one piece okay?’

And then he pulls away, hand on Liam’s arm.  ‘And keep in touch’

Liam nods then walks to Zayn reaching a hand out to him and he’s definitely more aware at least as he lets him pull him up and then he picks up Zayn’s bag and walks them towards the car and he’s opening the passenger door and Zayn lowers himself in and Liam’s just walking round to the driver side when he hears.

‘Liam’ Niall’s holding up the poster roll with the art Zayn gave to him.  Just earlier this morning.  And it feels like it was a lifetime ago.

‘Can you take it home to mine please Niall?’ he shouts  and Niall’s nodding and Liam gives him a thumbs up  as he gets in the car, sending a cursory wave before he does then he pulls away.

**

The motorway signs meld into one after the first couple and he barely takes in the other cars on the motorway.

It’s silent in the car, just a bit rickety as it’s not the newest car in the world.    He turns away from the window and looks across at Liam.  

He’s biting his lips and is a study of concentration.   It had taken Zayn almost half an hour of them being on the move for him to realise that he wasn’t being taken to the nearest train station but actually Liam was driving him home.

And he can’t trust himself to speak right now.  There’s a tightness in his belly and lump in his throat that he can scarcely breathe past.  There’ll be time later to thank him, and he will.

He needs distraction now. Something to take him away from his thoughts.  So he starts to talk ‘Got any music’ but it barely comes out, more of a croak than anything so he repeats the words.

Liam smiles at his voice, seemingly surprised but it’s a soft smile, an understanding one and he’s pointing at the glove compartment.  ‘Take your pick’

Zayn leans forward and there’s CD’s loose in the compartment, and then a case with them in.

‘If it’s a mess that’s cos Louis was in there last time on a fruitless hunt for Blink 182’

Despite himself, Zayn laughs as Liam continues ‘None of that shit in this car’

He continues to rummage through and it confirms that Liam has pretty decent taste in music really and then he finds a blank CD case at the bottom of the glove compartment, with just ‘MIXTAPE’ written on it. No other hint of what’s on there and look he’s nosey and people’s mixtapes often tell you all you need to know about them.

So he takes the CD out of the case and then slides it into the player.   There’s a bass that starts up instantly and then a voice comes that he doesn’t recognise, and it sounds as though this was recorded live, in someone’s garage even, there’s a rawness you wouldn’t associate with properly recorded music and the voice is deep, and the music has a hook to it that’s insistent and Zayn’s legs start to join the rhythm and there’s a falsetto.

But it stops and then Liam’s chucking the CD into the back seat and Zayn’s gesturing towards it and saying ‘WHAT?’

And as he looks at Liam, he looks flustered, he’s blushing and mumbling something unintelligible and the penny drops.  Liam’s a music tech student.  Liam’s in a band, though he never talks about it.

‘Was that you?’ 

Liam shakes his head.  ‘We’re not talking about this Zayn, just put on Drake or whatever, or we can talk about why I’m driving over the speed limit or we can talk about anything you like, we can deconstruct the offside law if needs be, but we aren’t talking about that’ and his thumb points in the direction of the CD that’s lying on the backseat now.

And well, okay, he’s not in the mood for a big discussion now, or even an argument and aren’t they a bit too new in this whatever it is between them to have a fight but Liam’s reaction is so categorical that he files it away for later but not too much later.

‘It’s okay, we can just watch the world go by’ he says it without any heat, hoping it soothes Liam. And the grateful smile he gets in return says it all.

They sit in silence.  Getting ever closer to Bradford.  Till they’re passing the turn off for Leeds and his fear returns, along with the tremor in his legs and he chews at his lips anxiously.’

The hand on his knee is welcome and it soothes him, just for a second, allows him to breathe.

‘She’s going to be okay you know Zayn, she’s going to be fine’.

He trusts Liam.   And he nods. 

**

They arrive at the hospital 30 minutes later.   And Zayn literally legs it out the car and runs in the reception without even saying a word.

Liam locks up and then follows him in, finding him speaking to a lady at reception, and he hears ‘She’s in theatre still, but you can go up to the relative’s room for Ward 6b on the 6th floor’ and he’s nodding and then turning away from her and not seeing Liam’s there.

Liam says a thank you on behalf of Zayn and then he follows him into the lift.  It’s just them, and he finds Zayn’s hand, and links his own hand and he gently strokes a finger to calm him, not missing the way he lets out a shaky breath and a faint ‘thank you Li’ before he pulls his hand away with an apologetic glance.

The lift opens at the 6th floor and they see the sign that points right for Ward 6B and it’s only a few hundred metres away from them as Liam opens the door holding it open for Zayn and pressing the hand disinfectant dispenser, and rubbing his hands together to let it soak into his skin.

They’re allowed into the ward a few seconds after Zayn presses the intercom and Liam watches as Zayn stands there, he doesn’t move, so Liam presses a hand against his shoulder and then stops a passing nurse.

‘We’re here for Mrs Malik’

‘And you are?’   She looks them up and down, slightly dubious expression on her face. 

‘This is her son Zayn, and I’m, well, I’m Liam, Zayn’s friend’ 

She narrows her eyes but then, her eyes warm as she looks at Zayn and she signals for them to follow, talking as she does.

‘Your sister said you were on your way up here, and she’s had to go home to tend to her family, she’ll be back later she said with your other sisters’

They reach the room and each take a seat.  

‘Your mother’s still in theatre though we’re not expecting her to be there for too much longer, as soon as the consultant is finished he’ll be straight up to see you, I’ll leave you here now if that’s okay?’

Zayn nods and Liam murmurs his thanks as she walks out the room. Shutting the door behind her.

They sit in silence.   Zayn deep in thought and Liam keeping a watchful eye on him.  He keeps thinking of things to say, something to lighten the mood, something that will soothe him perhaps but in the end nothing seems appropriate so instead he starts the circular motions on Zayn’s back again.  And Zayn takes a breath, and he smiles.  Just a small one but a smile nevertheless.

And Liam will take it.

They sit like that for 45 minutes or so, and then there’s a bustle outside the relative’s room and it opens and Liam stands up as Zayn does, and it’s 3 people, 2 girls and a young woman who looks a bit older than Zayn and as Liam glances to Zayn and then back to the 3, its uncanny.  

He’s about to say hello as they walk in when Zayn pulls him by the hand and out into the corridor saying ‘Back in a minute’ to his sisters.

To his credit he looks apologetic, even a little shame faced but Liam wants to wipe that away because he knows what’s coming next, and he understands.  He understands better than he could ever articulate.

‘I’m sorry Liam, just need this not to be where we make the family introductions, need this to be just family’

Then he’s grasping onto Liam’s hands with his own.  ‘But you don’t know how much I appreciate you doing this for me today, you don’t know that yet, but I intend to show you just how much I appreciate it whenever all this settles down’

Liam shakes his head and he pulls a hand free, which he raises to Zayn’s face. 

‘No explanation needed babe, I understand, we’ve been in each other’s life for what 2 days?  But know this I’m here for you, and I will continue to be here for you, whether it’s physically here if you need it, or just on phone or skype or whatever, okay?’

Zayn blinks back a tear and leaving him is the last thing Liam wants to do.  Because it almost feels like the moment he walks out the door, something irreversible will happen. 

But he bites back on that thought, puts that to the back of his mind, and just wipes a finger tenderly at the stray tear that falls down Zayn’s face.

‘She’s going to be fine Zayn and so are you’ 

A man in theatre scrubs walks past them then and towards the relative’s room and he can hear him ask a nurse ‘Is this where the Malik family are?’

Bless Zayn, even with news imminent on his mum, he still looks torn so Liam drops his hand, presses his lips to his cheek and murmurs ‘Go’

And he does. 

**

The next hours pass by in a blur of listening to Doctors use language he sort of understands but doesn’t.

In sitting next to his mum, holding her hand as she sleeps and hugging his sisters tight as the worry threatens to overwhelm them and then talking to his Dad who’s stuck on an oil rig far too many miles and oceans away.

He sits at the kitchen table at home now, the girls are in bed and Doniya’s driven the long distance home to her small family.   It’s just him that’s up and he glances at the clock on the wall which tells him its 6.30am. 

He’s decided to stay up so he can make sure he doesn’t miss phoning the school to tell them Safaa and Waliyha won’t be in today.  He thinks he would have fallen asleep long ago, coffee and tea or no coffee and tea, but Liam’s been there as a constant, from the moment he got home, he’s been there asking questions, all the right questions, never too intrusive but concerned and truly he wonders how he ever managed in his life without him.

Except he did so it’s a stupid thought perhaps but he feels it nevertheless.

The message alert goes off again.

‘Got 2 goooo and do training in 30 mins, already ded late…you going 2 stay awake long enoughhh now?  If I don’t goo coach will have my arse :p ‘

The thought suddenly occurs to him and so instead of replying to him, he presses the phone symbol.   It only rings out for a couple of seconds before Liam answers.

He sounds vaguely out of breath and like he’s walking somewhere.

‘Did you sleep at all Liam?’

There’s a small laugh on the other end of the line ‘Sleep’s for the weak Zed’ 

‘You need it when you’re training though Liam and I didn’t realise you were going this morning so you’re probably knackered, and you’ll be shit and it’ll be my fault’

Liam laughs down the line.

‘I’m never shit, and that’s not just me being cocky, it’s just a fact’

‘Maybe when all this is over, I’ll come and watch you train’

‘No, you can come and watch me compete’ Liam corrects him and he sounds so certain. So confident, even a little cocky and the Zayn of just days ago would have hated it but this Zayn basks in it.

‘Anyway less about me, what time you going back to see your Mum?’

‘Visiting’s at 2pm today but I’ll phone in an hour or so to see how she is and then go back tonight with the girls after school’

For a moment all he hears is Liam’s breathing and then

‘I can come up tonight after tonight’s training and stay over, if you like’

Zayn shakes his head and replies firmly ‘No babe, you need sleep, you need rest too, it’d be great to see you but not if you have training and its several hours each way so no’

‘Tomorrow then, tomorrow evening, you and me and the girls and I’ll cook you something nice and we’ll have the time of our lives and take your mind off things for the night, and I’ve got no uni the day after so how about it?’

He wants to say he’s heard of nothing better, nothing he could ever look forward to more so he does.

And the sound of Liam’s happy giggle down the phone is all the confirmation he needed that he was right to say it.  

‘Listen we’ll skype later and get everything finalised and maybe I can chat to the girls so they aren’t completely stumped and strangers to who I am tomorrow – just got to go training’ and then with a cheerful ‘Bye’ he’s gone and Zayn’s just glad he’s on his own right now, as he feels himself smile.  He never thought during a time like this he’d feel this happy and yet here it is.  He decides to savour it. 

And as the day goes by, and it’s filled with phone calls to the hospital who confirm that his mum’s awake for the most part but very dosed up with morphine so in and out of consciousness and then visits to the hospital with the girls, the only thing that keeps him going aside from caffeine is the prospect of Liam’s face.

Its 9pm by the time they get back from the hospital and by the time he sends Liam a text to say he’s ready and sets the laptop up.

He dials the number and there his face is.   He looks as tired as Zayn feels, face flushed from the evening’s exercise Zayn guesses but he looks good.

The stubble has got heavier on his face in the last day since he saw him, and his hair is messy but looks so good.   His eyes sparkle as he calls ‘Hello’ and he’s so fucking lucky is Zayn, and that’s the weirdest thing for him to think given the events of the last 24 hours but put in the context of this week, it’s true.

‘How are you Liam?’

Liam shakes his head at the screen. ‘I’m fine but that doesn’t even matter, how are you?  How’s your mum?’

Zayn scratches at his face, at his eyes which feel so tired.  He knows he needs a shave but he can’t be arsed, and he’s just waiting for the moment, can’t wait in truth for the moment his mum tells him to get a shave. 

‘She’s in a lot of pain, and they aren’t sure of the success of the op yet, or whether she’ll walk again, the whole point of the operation had she not had to be rushed in was to avoid a haemorrhage but here we are, right now we’re told we should be glad she’s here to even have that discussion’

It’s only now that he’s articulating it, to someone else, to someone that isn’t one of the girls or even his Dad that the weight of what he’s just said dawns on him and he shudders.

‘I can be there in 3 hours Zayn if I peg it, I hate to think of you having to shoulder all this’

Zayn shakes his head.

‘I’ve got Doni who’s staying with her family in a hotel now dead near, and the girls Li, you’ve got your own stuff, and your coach will have your arse if you miss another session’

Liam nods at the screen, a rueful smile on his face.  ‘That’s true, he was madder than ever this morning and this evening he was proper annoyed so got an extra-long session tomorrow and then I’ll be driving up to see you after the lecture at lunchtime’  he pauses ‘But I CAN come up tonight Zed’

And Zayn knows he would but he has to be unselfish.  Or maybe he doesn’t but he can’t change the way he is. Thing is that if he was being selfish, he wouldn’t let Liam out of his sight.

He hears the thundering down the stairs before he hears their voices ‘Is that him on the phone?’

And he mutters ‘Here they come’ at the screen and then Liam’s face lights up.

And Waliyha and Safaa are there suddenly in front of the screen.

‘That’s him?’  And Waliyha looks at her brother incredulously before she grasps her younger sister’s arm.

‘But he’s gorgeous Zayn, how the bloody hell have you managed to get him to kiss you?’

‘Thanks Wali’

Liam’s laughing at the screen, eyes crinkling and it makes Zayn’s heart leap.

‘You must be Waliyha’ he says and he’s smiling the most dazzling of smiles as Safaa just stares at the screen.

‘He’s like a prince’ is all she says before she slumps down on the chair next to Zayn and rests her head in between both hands, and she carries on staring at the screen. ‘Just like a Prince’ she repeats.

And yeah his sisters are embarrassing.   Accurate but embarrassing.

It takes 10 minutes of questions like ‘Does his stubble itch your lips when he kisses you Zayn’ from Wali and just different variations of statements which repeat that Liam looks like a Prince from Safaa before he can get them to go upstairs and as he comes back down again, and sees Liam’s eyes droop downwards, he knows the feeling.

But instead of wanting to end the conversation, he wants to hold on, to this sight, this memory and its stupid cos he’ll see him tomorrow but he feels like every moment in time is precious and maybe it’s just because of the stress he’s been under but he feels like time’s running out and he can’t explain why.

Reluctantly he puts the thought to bed, and with a superhuman effort he tells Liam to sleep.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow babe, and I’ll bring the ingredients for your surprise tea and who knows I may even bring a cake’

‘Goodnight Liam, thank you for everything’ 

‘You make it sound so final Zayn, stop being so serious, goodnight baby’ and then he’s gone.

‘Night’ he says to the blank screen.   He doesn’t sleep well that night.  It’s not with a sense of joy either or anticipation of seeing Liam, it’s not worry about his Mum.  He doesn’t even know why.

He suspects he doesn’t know want to know why.

**

Louis finds him first.   The light’s fading outside now and its turning dark, he wishes it was dark indoors, dark enough that he could hide away, dark enough to match how he feels.

He’s been here for hours, heard people come and go, he’s heard all the gossip he could ever wish to hear, though heard is an exaggeration, all he’s really heard is the thumping of his own heart, loud in his ears and his breathing which alternates between shallow and harsh, panicked though he thinks no one’s noticed, that the marks in the palm of his hand from where his fingernails have dug into it have been his outlet, his way of ensuring no one would notice, till now.

When he hears the door creak open, as soon as he hears the first couple of footsteps he knows its Louis.   Can’t explain how he knows, but just like the inevitability of a hangover following a night out and consuming 6 pints, it was always going to happen.

He hears the drip drop of water from the tap just as Louis reaches the sink and curses out loud.  There are more footsteps and then they stop just outside Liam’s cubicle but he still says nothing.  The cubicle door next to him opens and then he hears the toilet lid shut and then Louis says out loud.

‘If this toilet breaks and I get done for it Payno, you’re paying for it’

Liam says nothing, just remains on the ground back against the cubicle door, head lowered.

‘Oh Li’ the voice comes from above him and he glances for a moment, and there’s Louis, half of his head anyway, and he so rarely uses Liam’s first name, he’s always ‘Payno’ this and ‘Payno’ that and somehow hearing him say that makes everything feel worse.

And the tears start to fall and he supposes he shouldn’t be surprised, and it should feel like a relief. _Should._

Louis sighs and then says, almost apologetically ‘I’m stood here on my tip toes and this toilet seat’s gonna break any minute, open the door a minute’ Liam stares at his feet.  ‘Please?’

He’s never been able to turn Tommo down, even when years ago at school he knew that saying yes meant detention, or saying yes could end up in a broken arm, here and now though despite all of that, saying no to Louis this morning was the most foolish thing he’s ever done.

So he wipes at his eyes and then with a groan he stands up and there’s an ache in every part of him as he turns round and pulls the catch on the door.

Louis is waiting, arms wide open though he drops them slightly at the sight of him and his mouth drops open, and he wants to fold into them, he wants to crumble, and he’s well aware that he’s doing a pretty good impression of someone doing just that, but he can’t and so he walks past him and he finds himself in front of the mirror.

The person he sees looking back at him on the surface doesn’t seem to have changed at all since this morning, aside from the red rimmed eyes and the tear stained cheeks, but it’s in his eyes that _he_ can see it so he does what’s best for him and leans down turning the tap on and then bends his head down placing his hands under the cold tap and then splashing the water at his face.   He repeats the motion several times and then as he lifts his head, Louis is there handing him a paper towel.

And he whispers his thanks before drying his face.

Louis starts to say something, but then shuts his mouth before he can form the full words, but Liam guesses it was something along the lines of ‘are you okay?’

And how’s he supposed to answer that?   Because if he tells him, then everything changes.   Except he knows that tell him or not, everything _has_ changed, everything he thought he knew this morning, has turned on its head and he needs time to process that, trouble is the way he feels right now, it’ll be a lifetime before he processes today’s events.

So he says nothing, instead he aims the paper towel at the bin and as always it lands in it.

‘Well do-‘Louis cuts off his usual congratulations.   Thing is Louis has this reputation for being a snarky bastard, of being more snark over substance but it’s all an act and Liam’s forever grateful that he knows the Louis that’s really there,  he’s about to turn around when he feels a hand on his shoulder and he flinches.

He actually flinches and Louis makes a surprised little sound but draws his hand away immediately before Liam can hear him apologising not just once.

And so Liam turns around and sees the hurt in Louis’ eyes and he wants to take it away, because despite how much he hurts right now, he won’t have it that anyone can be hurt because of him.

So from somewhere, he manages to find a smile and says ‘Sorry mate, just having a bad day’ and he knows its unconvincing, he knows Louis knows he’s bullshitting but he hopes the plea in his eyes is enough to get Louis off his back for tonight at least.

Louis nods, biting at his lips as he does and Liam ducks his head to avoid the scrutiny and he can’t help the feeling of relief as Louis just says.

‘You never have to apologise for anything Liam’ and there’s a pause and this time Louis stands closer to him, and Liam’s half expecting it this time and he doesn’t flinch as Louis lays a gentle hand on his shoulder while the other lifts up his chin to face him.  

‘I don’t know what’s gone on since this morning Liam and I’m hoping it’s not as bad as I think it is, but don’t try and protect us okay?’

Liam says nothing but he manages a nod, and Louis just says ‘I’ll take that as a sort of yes’ and then he’s turning away from Liam and picking up his bag and handing it to him and he can see the instinct is to throw his arm round Liam’s shoulder, just like always but he doesn’t and Liam wants to draw him into him, make this alright, make everything seem okay but he can’t.

And that’s not okay.  

It’s only as he sits in front of the TV later, the TV that’s flickering images of a show that Liam isn’t even taking any notice of and only now as Louis has given up his attempts to pull Liam out of the trance he’s in that he remembers.  And for a moment, for the briefest of moments he feels a pull, a pang, a guilt and he glances down at his phone and sees how many texts and how many missed calls there are and he knows he should be apologetic but then the numbness sets in again and he drops the phone to the floor, oblivious of the sound it makes and oblivious to the new crack on the screen as it shatters.

The only crack he’s aware of, is the one that’s in his own mind but he can’t think of that, he won’t think of that, he’s not even sure what he should think of, and so he reaches for the bottle, pours out another glass and he drinks to forget what he can’t even bring himself to remember in the first place.

**

Daylight brings with it several emotions.

Confusion. Worry.  And he’s ashamed to admit it but, anger okay.  Not anger for himself, not really but anger that he’d let Liam in.  Not to his life, his life is disposable, in his life disappointment isn’t new, but the girls. 

The girls who’d sat up all afternoon, who’d run home from the hospital, had talked excitedly of Liam, who’d brought a smile to their mum’s face, who’d cupped his cheek in her hand, and said ‘I can’t wait to meet him.

So he’s angry for that.   And yet he can’t deny he’s concerned, and he hates that Liam has that effect on him but even the Liam he knew of before he started to ‘know him’ didn’t seem like this.  And so he’s got this knot in his stomach that’s battling with the anger he feels and the sunshine outside in no way reflects his mood.

It would help he thinks if he wasn’t so cut off, if the others weren’t ignoring him too or sending monosyllabic replies and ignoring his voicemails.

And that’s where he the side of that’s worrying is taking more of a lead than the anger right now because it doesn’t make sense for them to side with Liam, if he’s fucked up, if he’s gone off him overnight.  Because he knows that Harry may love or ‘love’ Louis but he’d still fight a thousand battles for Zayn.

So he wants nothing more than to be able to get on the first train he can get and go find out what the hell is going on and why Liam can’t even deign himself to send just 1 measly text.

But he’s stuck here and Zayn doesn’t do helpless, he doesn’t do being out of the loop.   And yet here he is, doing exactly that,  left wondering, left worrying and left increasingly to his own devices, and his own imagination and that’s never a good thing.

**

The knock on his door is insistent, and Louis won’t take a hint.  

Liam croaks out a ‘go away’ for what feels like the 30th time that morning already and yet he still won’t take the hint.

He gets out of bed finally, and he aches everywhere, his head is thumping out some kind of drum and bass 12 inch over and over again and he remembers now why he avoids Whisky like the plague usually.

He unlocks the door, and opens it and Louis looks almost shocked that he’s opened the door.

‘What do you want Louis?’

‘You missed training mate, and your first lecture’.

Liam just shrugs and turns to face Louis as he sits back on the bed. He glances at his watch.  ‘So I have, oh well’

‘Oh well, oh well Liam what the hell?’ and then he’s walking across to the bed and he sits on it facing Liam, and he pinches his arm, and then takes the water from the side of the bed and Liam thinks he’s dreaming as he ends up with a face full of water and splutters it away.

Louis blushes as he wipes the water from his eyes.

‘Sorry, sorry, they do that on Supernatural and if they’re a demon then…’ his voice trails off as he must realise how daft he sounds.

‘I’m not a demon Louis, just cos I missed training and 1 lecture doesn’t mean I’m a demon, just fancied a day off today okay?’

He lowers his eyes under Louis’ scrutiny.   Why the fuck did he have to pick such an observant friend. 

‘I’m just tired’.

Louis goes to reach his hand out to Liam’s knee. It’s the most normal thing in the world for them, or was, and yet Louis’ hand hovers over Liam’s knee as he does, and he gets why he’s hesitant and Liam, should, reach his hand out and encourage Louis.  _Should_.   That word again.

Should is the most ugly word in Liam’s mind right now.  It haunts him.  He should have ignored Zayn’s protestations and gone up to see him the night before last and maybe he’d have missed yesterday. 

He should get over whatever yesterday was.    He should get up right now, have a shower and put everything behind him.  And he should just confide in Louis and phone Zayn right now and get this all over and out in the wash.

Should. He never knew he could hate a word so much.  But he doesn’t reach a hand out to Louis and he doesn’t offer a smile to make up for the fact he doesn’t.  Instead he leans back in his bed, lies down, and then loud enough for Louis to hear he says ‘Don’t make a din when you shut the door on the way out’

And then he pulls the cover over his head and tries his best at pretending to sleep.

**

Another day goes by and he finally talks to Harry.  On Skype.   But it’s a comedy, okay it’s not a comedy, but it’s a conversation of Harry avoiding his eyes, of Louis walking in and then on seeing Zayn walking back out again and of the one topic of conversation Zayn wants/needs to discuss being avoided.

And he’s had it.  He’s gone from text messages to Liam of ‘are you okay? I’m worried’ to ‘Thanks a fucking bunch for breaking sister’s hearts’ to ‘I’m here’ to messages filled with words that would make his mother ashamed of him.

Trouble is he can pretend he’s as angry as he wants to pretend, but it doesn’t stop the worry.   Doesn’t stop this feeling in his gut that something’s happened.  But what’s he supposed to think if no one will tell him.

He knows he wears the frown like a permanent expression right now and his Mum is never fooled.  And while shit may be happening where Liam is concerned, life feels good, feels hopeful for the first time in too long where his mum’s concerned.

She’s sat up in bed, and its like decades have fallen off her face, the lines of pain are gone and she’s bright eyed and it’s not from too much morphine.

Its clarity that he hasn’t seen in years and he should be celebrating and yet he here is, morose and sulky.

‘Penny for those thoughts sunshine’ and he feels her fingers grazing against the arm that rests on her bed’

He shakes his head.  Old habits die hard and the Malik men are reluctant to share anything except right now he isn’t.

‘I don’t know what I did wrong Mum’ and he explains.  Everything.  And she nods, and smiles at the moments he recounts, in the hospital, in the car.  

‘I just don’t know what changed, feels like I’m missing something and I’m here and I know I want to be here, for you and for the girls and that’s where I should be, but I’m scared of what I’m going back to, and what happens if I’m going back to nothing except what my life was before’

‘You know what I think Zayn’ he looks up and she smiles at him.

‘Oh my god Zayn, sometimes you’re every bit the young man that I’m so proud of but then every so often, you’re like the 7 year old boy that wanted to snuggle against me and wanted me to tell the tales of everything about growing up and all that was good in the world, but you know what I want think you should do’

Zayn hears the door creak open behind them but his mum holds onto his face, softly stroking it.  ‘I think you should go and take care of your own life for a while, go concentrate on yourself, go be selfish and go and find out what happened’

‘But I can’t leave you mum’

The hand that falls on his shoulders is followed by the best words he’s heard since the last time Liam spoke to him.

‘Yes you can my boy’ 

‘Dad?’

He stands up.  Yaser is there, smiling, it’s been so long since he saw him and he wants to stay, he wants to catch up on lost time but he feels a pull elsewhere, and if he doesn’t go he’ll snap, he reaches a hand to shake his father’s but he’s pulled into his embrace and his father whispers into his ear ‘I’m so proud of you, you’re a fine son, now go live your life for a while’

He nods, he doesn’t need to be told twice, not by his Dad, and so he turns to face his mum, kisses her.  ‘I’ll see you next week’ he promises and she just murmurs ‘Go’

And he does a half wave and then he goes.   To what he doesn’t know. 

**

He makes it as far as the cafeteria the following Monday.   He thinks he deserves a medal for that.   He’s dimly aware of the looks he gets.  The stubble is growing and he has dark circles under his eyes, a legacy of no real sleep since it happened.

He tries to shut his eyes and it feels like there’s a weight on top of him.  It feels like he’s in some kind of otherworld.  Where during his waking hours, he’s only vaguely aware of the world around him, and he floats around in what he guesses is some kind of shock. 

But in his sleep, or attempts at sleep.  He feels something pressing on him.  It feels heavy and claustrophobic and it scares him.   And he wants nothing more than comfort.  He wants to feel Louis comfort him, he wants to turn the looks of concern into something that he can feel but the slightest touch leaves him stock still.  Unable to move or say anything.

But it’s the smell that’s the worst.   He’s always loved smells.  Whether it was cut grass on a summers day or the smell of the air after a thunderstorm or Zayn that time he’d smoked, and then chewed the mint and those smells combined with his cologne were like heaven for him.

It only stands to reason, it’s pretty damn predictable actually that it would be his sense of smell that would betray him.

It’s a physical reaction, it’s so real when he smells it.  Smells _him_.  There’s this fight or flight thing in everyone and he can’t take flight, he can’t leave because he’s in the middle of the cafeteria when it happens, and he’s staring at the table, doing anything except look at the others and he’s aware of their stilted conversation around him because of him and he should feel guilty but he doesn’t.

When it comes, the smell hits him like a ton of bricks.  It’s a visceral reaction.  His head starts to hurt immediately, and he finds himself wanting to cry, and he’s suddenly alert. So alert and he looks around for whatever is causing this reaction, and then he sees him and he wishes he hadn’t.

And he has to push down the nausea, the feeling that’s threatening to burst him and he’s trembling and he can hear Niall asking if he’s okay, and he touches him and that feels like too much but instead of just asking him to stop, he pushes him hard and he can hear the chair upending as Niall overbalances and there’s a part of him that wants to stop and turn around and apologise but he feels so out of control and he knows the noise of Niall’s chair has meant the attention focuses their way and he can’t help it as he looks up in his direction and he sees him look over, and he smirks.  He actually fucking smirks.  

He just feels so out of control and so sick and so tired, and god has it really only been a few days since this happened? 

He wants to rush over there and practice all the boxing skills he’d gathered since he was a kid but he can’t because how can he explain it when he can’t even articulate what happened, doesn’t even know what happened, maybe nothing happened and that’s what scares him and yet things like this, reactions like this aren’t normal surely for something that didn’t happen.

This is what his brain feels like 24/7.  And he’s never felt this sensation before, this anger, this helplessness, this feeling that he wouldn’t wish even on his worst enemy, even though his worst enemy caused him this.

So instead of fighting him, instead of turning round and apologising to Niall, he stumbles blindly out of the cafeteria and out the main entrance and he stumbles past Zayn.   But he doesn’t even know it’s him.

How can he know when he doesn’t even recognise himself?

**

The Liam that stumbles past him isn’t the Liam that held him in the corridor of the hospital just a few short days ago.   He doesn’t even have to look at him properly to know that and he’s confused, and half of him wants to take off after him but the trouble is that on seeing him, all he feels is anger.

So he watches as he stumbles away, and then he walks into the cafeteria and sees Harry fussing over Niall and Louis has this tense expression on his face and he’s holding his phone up to his ear and as he nears them he can hear him say ‘Liam’ and then some other words before he hangs up on seeing Zayn.

He doesn’t smile though.  None of them do.  Not even Harry. 

They wear expressions of what Zayn doesn’t know.   He feels like he’s been away for a year not a matter of days.

‘What’s going on?’  

They say nothing, they just exchange a glance between them. A glance that seems to speak of ‘don’t tell him’

He wants to scream.   But he doesn’t.  Instead he repeats the question calmly.

‘What’s going on with Liam?’

They exchange another look, and this time Louis shrugs his shoulders at the other two.

‘We don’t know, he’s been acting weird for the last few days, withdrawn and angry about something, but your guess is as good as ours as to what it’s about’

‘He won’t say?’ 

Niall shakes his head.  ‘And I get why you’re mad Zayn, but you steaming in there shouting the odds isn’t going to help’

‘What makes you think I was going to do that?’  But he knows they know him, and once again it should be weird this way they have some kind of sixth sense with each other but it’s not. 

‘’Okay’ he says ‘I promise I won’t’ and then he’s walking away and out the door and he knows he has lectures and he knows he needs to catch up but honestly nothing matters more than this.

Nothing matters more than him.

10 minutes later and he arrives at Liam and Louis place at the Halls.  And he can hear the telly on inside, and he bangs on the door. 

And other students walk by and give him a look and he tries to look a lot calmer than he feels.

‘Liam, open up’ he shouts and he bangs at the door 3 more times, with no response and he turns away, and he’s just about to text him and call him all the names under the sun, cos really, truly they are done and he’s walking away when he hears the door open.

And he turns, and he’s there before his back turns away and he disappears inside, but the door remains open and so Zayn strokes at his chin and then follows him in.

He’s stored up so many words, so many questions but they all evaporate at the sight of him.  He looks smaller, almost hunched.  Not the Liam who walked tall, the Liam who walked with his shoulders back and the natural Liam expression which was upturned rather than as Zayn sits in the chair opposite him is anything but upturned.

‘How’s your mum?’ 

It’s a perfectly reasonable question and given he’d driven him to Bradford he gives him a reasonable answer.

‘She’s doing loads better, she’s going to be fine’  He considers volunteering that his dad’s home, he considers volunteering that they let him come home cos he’s worried about Liam, because while he’s angry, he IS worried and none of this is doing them to lessen that concern.

‘Good’ is all Liam says.  And then they sit there, facing each other.  Nothing to say where before there was nearly always conversation, and when there wasn’t they said so much without words.

And yet now?

‘Can I get you a drink?’  But he doesn’t wait for Zayn to say anything and the word ‘No’ dies on Zayn’s lips before he can voice it. . Instead Liam stands up and walks to the kettle, hunched as much as before and he pulls out a mug from the cupboard and then puts a tea bag in the mug and then the kettle boils, and Liam stares at it, doesn’t even look at Zayn.

And he pours the water, and opens the fridge and pours in the milk, and then he’s reaching for the sugar, but instead he picks up the salt and he tips a little bit into the mug and fuck it Zayn can’t watch this anymore and he crosses the room in just a few strides and then he reaches for the salt and takes it from Liam’s hand but Liam jumps at the movement, at his presence and it tips onto the floor and Liam lets out a small gasp and then he’s dropping to the floor and picking up the salt or trying to with his bare fingers.

And Zayn watches transfixed as he does. He can’t watch this, it’s like everything’s turned on its head and he’s so confused, but then he snaps out of it and he looks in a couple of cupboards till he finds the dustpan and brush and then he drops down till he’s in eye contact with Liam and he murmurs his name and Liam looks at him and Zayn touches his hand for a moment to get Liam to swap and shows him the dustpan and the brush and Liam nods.  

But he doesn’t move as Zayn sweeps up the small amount of salt, he just watches. 

And then as Zayn finishes and he’s about to stand up Liam leans forward, and for a moment Zayn thinks it’s going to be okay,, but as Liam’s lips find his, and it’s just dryness, and there’s no tenderness, he can’t explain it, but it just feels so wrong. 

And he can’t deal with this.   So he jerks away and he just drops the dustpan and brush to the floor, hearing it clatter and he walks out and he doesn’t look back.

**

The familiar tremble in his fingers starts as he approaches the gates. His hands grip at the steering wheel and his knuckles whiten.   His foot rests on the brake pedal, and somewhere in his head he hears the horns of the other cars forced to drive around him as he stops in the middle of the road, he imagines rather than sees their gestures but he doesn’t move.

It’s a beautiful day outside, the sun reflecting off the windows, and it _should_ reflect in his mood, and yet today is just like most other days, except harder.   Just like yesterday, and the day before that and he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to this.

He’s looking out of the wing mirror, but he doesn’t really see, he doesn’t see the looks he’s getting, or those pointing at him as he sits frozen, his leg beginning to tremble with the tension of keeping it one place,  he’s unseeing,  lost in whatever world he gets stuck in in moments like this and the tremble continues in his hands, and he’s forgotten to breathe until he sees him,  and everything around him remains blurry, distant and not even anything he recognises, but it happens just like it does each time and somewhere in his head,  the fact that this morning routine is driven for this moment, the reliance on him as his anchor, his way of coming back to himself, of being from whatever all this is, it registers as something that’s not quite normal.

He sees him, and he’s got that familiar confident stride, head up, bag over his shoulder, he’s dyed his hair again, so there’s a bit of blond in the quiff he has on his head, he walks as though there’s not a care in his head and although Liam doesn’t see anyone around him, he only sees him, he knows people are looking at him, and out of the gates, people look at him completely differently, just like they do Liam.   Out of the gates, he’s a different beast, he’s still about as approachable as a grizzly bear with a hangover, but he moves without a care in the world, shoulders high and chin jutting out, he walks past Liam’s car and he sees it happen, the movement of his shoulders up then down, and they don’t rise up again, and his head drops and despite himself, he has to resist the urge to jump out the car and shake him.  Despite himself, and even in this state he sighs out ‘Oh Zayn’. And he can’t help feeling like he’s responsible for this. Somehow.

And he stops.   He turns around and he looks in the direction of Liam and its almost comical how quickly Liam averts his gaze and even considers ducking, almost being the operative word but he doesn’t and he returns his gaze to Zayn.  But like each time this has happened, since Zayn came back and he’s lost count of how many days it’s been, they all blur into one and he’s looking right at him, but he looks right through him and just like every other day, Liam pinches at himself, to make sure he’s not dreaming.    But he isn’t and it’s like the rest of this waking nightmare he’s found himself in and Zayn shrugs, before his shoulders slump again and his head dips, and he starts to walk closer to the gates.

There’s a shout of Zayn’s name that Liam can hear even from in the car. Harry. .And he sees Zayn smile.  And Harry’s arm flings around Zayn’s and he pulls him in and he was the reason for that smile for just those few days.  And he feels stupid for mourning something he had in his grasp for just such a short time.

Still everything around him is blurry except for Zayn, and Harry and as he loses sight of him, he stares at nothing until, he has no concept of time, till he starts to recognise everything around him, and the tension in his leg becomes unbearable and the strain in his shoulders that he feels from the way he grips the steering wheel becomes painful so he releases them,  makes the conscious decision to relax and just like every other day, it feels like the hardest thing he’ll do by far that day and that would be the same if he had to save the world he thinks,  and the car starts to move and as he looks around him, the people filing by is minimal now and as he glances at the clock he’s late again, and then just like always, he sees them just beyond the gates, just by where Liam always parks, stood in the middle of the parking space and they’re glancing at their watches, looking concerned until Niall nudges at Louis and he ventures a small wave at Liam while Louis tilts his head and then as Liam nears the parking space they move out the way.

He pulls in, pulls up the handbrake, turns the gears to neutral and turns off the ignition removing the keys.  He sits there for a moment, wiling himself to move, and he takes a breath as the car door opens and Louis’ head appears, he’s crouching down, hand resting tentatively on Liam’s knee nearest to the door and he’s got that look on his face.

‘Come on mate’  and then his hand leaves Liam’s knee and he stands up before he opens the back door, pulling Liam’s bag out and then Niall’s there, hand reaching for Liam’s and really?  When did he turn into this person?  He knows the answer, they all do and he’s tired already of who he is, who he’s becoming.

Then all Niall has to say is those 3 magic words, ‘Its Friday Liam’ and it works.    And he gets out the car, and Niall shuts it behind him and Louis is there handing his bag to him.

He reaches behind him, locking the door with the electronic key fob and then he starts to walk, the three of them in a line till he stops and just like every other time, the other two glance for a moment in his direction but continue to walk.

And he looks up towards the sky, then back towards his car, calculating whether he’d even get the chance to put the keys in the ignition, he knows the answer so he looks forward, shuts his eyes briefly for a moment, and starts to put one foot in front of the other, and then as he reaches the other two,  seeing their wary smiles as they reach the entrance, he plants one arm on each of their shoulders and as they walk through the door, he plasters on the smile.

**

He sees him each morning. He acts like he doesn’t but he does.  And this last week or so has been torture.  They still see each other at lunchtimes.  That’s not changed.    But everything else has.   Louis and Harry are still going strong, each day they get closer, but there’s a tension in their muscles, in their actions and they always look vaguely guilty for the fact that they’re happy.

And while Liam lets them touch him now.  Lets Zayn touch his arm, and he even nods and acknowledges, and sometimes he smiles, but it’s a plastic smile, it’s all so fake and they’re none of them stupid, least of all Liam.

So he’s had enough.   And if he doesn’t get it out then he’ll never do it.  So he doesn’t take his bike to uni that day, and so he asks Liam at lunchtime if he can get a lift home, so he finds himself in the car with Liam at the end of the day.

It’s like sitting next to a stranger and suddenly from nowhere Zayn blinks back a tear as he stares across at Liam in the driver’s seat.    He wonders when he got to be such a bad judge of people.   Not of people really though he thinks, correcting himself.  Of Liam.  

He thought Liam was sunshine and light with the potential to be his everything.   And he feels stupid for thinking that now.   When Liam’s like a stranger.   

Because of all the things he expected when he came back from home, after that bloody awful time, and in those short hours when Liam wouldn’t stop texting him, when the sound of Liam’s voice was all he looked forward that day, when he’d sit down and the girls were finally in bed, and his eyes, his brain were too tired for anything but to hear Liam’s voice as he chattered on anything and everything and made Zayn do that thing that without Liam he’d forgotten he was capable of doing.  Laughing.

Of all the things he expected, this wasn’t it.   And he feels like he’s missing something somewhere.   It’s like he’s got some kind of blind spot. And that blind spot right now is Liam.

All he sees right now is some kind of robot that’s replaced Liam. He walks like Liam, he talks like Liam but that’s where the similarities stop.  When he remembers to smile which is rare, it never reaches his eyes, or if it does, his eyes look like they’re about to fill with tears with the effort of it.

When he laughs, it’s a horrible hollow tinny sound.    And when he kisses?   And when Zayn thinks of that first kiss when he came back, he doesn’t even want to think of that right now.   It’s like he’s kissing a stranger.   And Zayn knows he’s missing something.

He sees the way the others continue to be careful around Liam.   They tease him still but there’s always an arm that’s thrown around him but it’s always with hesitation and checking that he’s okay with it first, and sometimes, just sometimes when Louis does it, he sees a flash of the old Liam then it’s gone and he sees Louis sigh, and he tries to catch Louis eye each time but Louis averts his gaze before he starts talking loudly in an attempt to distract him. It never works.

He knows he should fight this, he knows he should try.    But you try fighting against this he wants to shout.    You try fighting against something you have no clue about.

He hears Liam clear his throat ‘You wanna go for a Pizza?’  There’s no conviction in his voice, no brightness and when he catches his eye for a moment, he wants to reach across, shake him, do _something_ anything to make him react, look something less than dead inside.

‘Don’t bother’ he wants to take the words back instantly, wants to snatch away the bitter tone and turn back the clock 30 seconds but then Liam doesn’t react.

Just says ‘Okay then - I’ll take you home’  

And he can’t stop himself any longer.   

‘Honestly Liam, don’t bother, can’t do this anymore, can’t live like this, can’t feel like I have to not tread on eggshells cos it wouldn’t matter what I said, you still wouldn’t react, you’d sit there, nodding in the right places, that fucking plastic smile of yours and then worse that fake fucking laugh when you think you should but I haven’t actually said anything funny, just like earlier when I said I was afraid to leave you alone cos it feels like you might break because you’re wound so bloody tight and if someone pushes you in the wrong way, you’ll explode into dust, tell me how that’s funny Liam?’

Liam says nothing for a moment but then he turns on the ignition.   ‘Okay I’ll take you home’ he repeats.   

And it’s like the words haven’t registered.   And Zayn snaps, and he reaches across Liam and for the ignition and the keys and then he’s flinging them to the back seat.

‘I don’t fucking want you to drive me home, I want you to explain to me what the fuck got up your arse while I was away, while I was caring for my bloody sisters while my mum was in hospital having a bloody operation, I want to know why you stopped phoning and why when I came back you’re like this, who the fuck were you fucking while I was away, what got up your arse whil-’

He doesn’t quite hear it at first but it still stops him in his tracks, to hear Liam say anything but he repeats it.

‘Get out’ and then he’s opening his door and he’s walking around to Zayn’s door which he opens and then he repeats it.  ‘Get out’

And he’s reaching for Zayn’s bag on the ground and Zayn half expects him to throw it somewhere but he doesn’t, instead he just walks a few metres and props it neatly against the nearest lamp post.

When he comes back and sees Zayn’s still sat there.  He sighs.  He actually sighs.  And it’s the nearest thing he’s seen to emotion.

‘Just please go Zayn’ he sounds tired and he’s not looking at him.

And Zayn just wants to scream so he undoes his seatbelt and gets out, facing Liam and he wants to make him look at him but he’s suddenly so tired.   Suddenly so fucking upset, suddenly so done with getting Liam so wrong.

‘You’re not even going to fight to keep me?’  

He gets no response. Of course he doesn’t.   

‘I can’t believe I got you so wrong - I was ready to tell you I loved you, and then I come back to this’ and he gestures at Liam who looks at him then.  

And Zayn wills him to look emotional, to look regretful, to look anything than how he does right now but he knows he’s pissing in the wind, he knows that now.

And so he shakes his head, walks to the lamp post and picks up his bag and then he glances at his watch, at least the bus will be due soon and at least he didn’t chuck away his bike.

‘Have a nice life Liam’ he says as he walks past him.   And he wants to look back, see whether anything shows on his face but he’s had enough disappointment for one lifetime so he doesn’t.  

What he doesn’t see is Liam turning and watching him go.  

What he doesn’t hear is Liam’s voice, quiet and tight with emotion.

‘It’s for the best, you’ll see, it’s for the best’.

**

He doesn’t get up for uni the next day, nor the one after that or the one after that and so on and he’s expecting to be kicked out of halls any day now.  He’s pretty sure Louis has given up on checking on him, Louis doesn’t even spend much time at their place anymore, he checks in just to make sure he’s alive but then he gets out ASAP.

Niall comes over once every couple of days and makes conversation which Liam grunts at, and then he gives him a hug and the hug is always loaded with so much emotion. 

And each time he sees him, he wants to ask about Zayn.  But he doesn’t and instead he pours out thoughts after thoughts on a pad, just a collection of words, lyrics maybe one day but for now they’re just words, and they always come back to one thing.  Zayn.

He supposes it should be good that there’s a thought in his head that’s something different than that other thought, the one that haunts him when he shuts his eyes.   The one that haunted him that morning when he woke up, the feel and the memory of his hands on his head and the weight on his body, and the reason why he’s standing in front of the mirror now, looking at the buzz cut and then staring at the hair gathered in the basin. 

He doesn’t recognise himself but that’s not new.  Not now.  He hasn’t recognised himself for over 2 weeks.  And over 2 weeks? That isn’t that long, not really.  2 weeks in which his life changes irrevocably, well people win the lottery in a moment, just his luck that his lottery was this fate.

He never thought that a simple haircut, shaving all that hair off, would change everything, not really but as he stares at himself, its hammered home and he turns away from the mirror, walks into the living area and he sits down on the settee, picks up his phone and there’s nothing there.  No messages on WhatsApp, no texts, just nothing.

And he deserves that.   He deserves this.  He drove them away.  And soon he’ll get kicked out of uni and kicked out of here, and he can go back home and his mum and dad will be disappointed but they’ll support him, just like always.  And he’ll carry on, and he’ll get some kind of shitty job, and every so often he’ll write lyrics and they’ll centre on Zayn. 

He can literally write his life story now.   And he hates it, and the tears fall before he realises they’re tears and he doesn’t try to stop them, he makes no sound, he just trembles as the tears fall. As he sits alone and he waits.   That’s all he can do.

**

One person missing from a group can change a whole dynamic they discover.   Especially someone like Liam.

They try to make it work, but all the jokes, all the stories that Louis and Niall share involve Liam.   And they try to protect Zayn and yet Zayn doesn’t want protecting.  He wants to hear these stories.  Stories about the Liam he, well, he fell in love, was falling in love with.

They’re in the middle of one story when a tall guy walks up to them, and Niall nods his hello, but it’s a half-hearted unenthusiastic reaction.

‘Liam not bothering with the swimming team any more then?’ 

‘Doesn’t look like it does it?’ replies Niall and it’s said with an uncharacteristically unpleasant tone.

And the guy just shrugs and then walks away.

‘What’s your problem with him then Nialler?’ asks Louis.

‘He’s such an arrogant dickhead and gave Liam a really hard time when he first joined the swimming team and then as soon as Liam turned out to be the best, he changed his tune, he’s an arse’

Louis nods and mutters ‘Fair enough’.

They sit in silence then for the rest of lunch.  Zayn has to stop himself from a) asking for more stories and just like every day since he told Liam he was out of his life b) not to text Liam and say he didn’t care what had happened, he just had to have him near him.

He succeeds.  He wants to know when the hollow feeling will stop. That’s all.  When or even if, he’ll ever stop missing something he never got the chance to fully appreciate he had.

**

It all comes crashing done just like these things do in the space of 2 hours the next day.   He manages a couple of hours sleep but its sleep that’s intermingled with nightmares and even when he wakes, he sees someone. 

He feels his presence, and his skin crawls.  Till he walks into the living area, turns on the TV and sits there in the dark, with just the light from the TV to make him just that tiny bit safer.

And he stays like that till morning.  Till an envelope is pushed under the door, and it’s got the stamp of the university on it and when he opens it, it’s no surprise, but it’s no less depressing.  A meeting with the senior professor on the course to discuss his future, if he even has one.

And then stating that if he doesn’t show, he’ll be out on his ear. No questions asked.

And that’s bad enough, and he’s halfway close to booking a train to Wolverhampton when there’s a bang on the door.   And his first instinct is to answer it, it could be Zayn, but as he nears the door, he hears his voice, and it comes crashing down on him, everything. 

He sinks to his knees and his slaps his hands over his ears and he prays he’ll go but each time he pulls his hands away, he still hears him.

It stays like that for what feels like hours on end but it’s actually only 10 minutes.  And this time flight is the only thing on his mind, and he just about remembers to take his jacket, but he barely even realises he’s still got his pyjamas on and a scraggy old t-shirt that Zayn lent him which he’d kept and which could probably walk out of here of its own accord given its not been washed because Liam can still smell him, just.  And he refuses to remove that smell from his life.

And as he leaves their place and his gaze flicks from side to side nervously, till he’s outside and he’s breathing in fresh air for the first time in days and he starts walking, no idea where he’s going, he just carries on. 

**

It’s just gone half past 7 and he’s dozing on the settee when the crash that signals Louis, Niall and Harry’s arrival and his bike falling over wakes him up with a start.

He’s about to snap out some kind of snarky comment about being bulls in a china shop when he stops as he sees their faces.

They look worried, no actually they look scared and it chills Zayn.

‘What’s happened?’

Louis slumps on the settee next to Zayn ‘I heard that he was getting a letter today demanding he attended a meeting with the main professor on his course, so I thought I’d go and check in with him’ he pauses taking a shaky breath as Harry drops a hand on his shoulder, while placing another on Zayn’s.

And Zayn suddenly feels so small, so afraid of what he might say.

‘He wasn’t there, nor was his jacket, he just upped and left and I found the letter but nothing else’

He shouldn’t feel relief, not when Liam is god knows where, but it could’ve been worse and he’s so aware of that right now, but just as relief is such a major emotion, he knows they have to act fast and he stands up, and he says ‘okay, so where have you looked already?’

They spend 2 hours looking everywhere, the usual popular haunts for the students, the library, the campus bar, they even check the chapel but he’s nowhere to be seen, they try the sports hall and the swimming centre but he’s nowhere.

And so Louis reluctantly calls Karen and Geoff, and he tries to make polite conversation, tries to make it seem like the most normal thing but he pulls his face and cringes as Karen’s voice tenses and her voice rises and she asks why he doesn’t know where Liam is.

He makes some kind of stupid excuse which to their minds sounds useless but it doesn’t matter because it reassures Karen, even if just for a few hours, long enough they hope to find Liam.

But then they still can’t find him so they head back to his and Louis’ place and he’s not there and Zayn’s verging on panic now and he sits at the kitchen table and tries to think, and his mind takes him back to that first conversation and then to that first night they went out and he’s thinking.

‘Why the fuck didn’t I think of that before?’ and he rises, and he tells the others to stay put and then he spots the car keys hanging from the key rack near the door, and he pulls them off and yeah okay he could get in trouble, but that doesn’t matter right now and then he’s running down to the car park and finds Liam’s car and he drives.

He gets there 10 minutes later, and he starts off in the pub where he looks in every corner and in the toilets and he calls his name ‘Liam’ as one cubicle door remains shut.

‘Nah its Paul’ comes the voice.

And he shouts his thanks before he heads out the door, and walks in the direction of the cinema, and he looks at the information and then goes and buys a ticket.  He hasn’t even heard of the film, it’s some obscure one and it started 20 minutes ago and the woman looks doubtfully at him as he insists he wants a ticket until she gives in and then he’s walking towards the screen.

He opens the door and it’s as creaky as it was on that night and there’s an old man and woman arguing on the screen and then as he turns to face the seats, there’s just 2 or 3 other people in the auditorium and then as he looks to his right, he sees him.

Before the other customers can complain, he sits next to him.  And Liam barely reacts, just stares straight ahead so Zayn does the same, until he feels his tremble, and it’s so faint but he glances across at Liam and fucking hell, the buzz cut, and he looks smaller than he remembers him but it doesn’t matter, none of that matters when he realises Liam IS crying.

And so gently, tentatively, he places his hand on Liam’s arm, and he flinches, but he doesn’t jerk his arm way, so Zayn continues to stroke it, fingers moving in a circular motion.  And he hopes it soothes Liam, even half as much as it calms him.

The film finishes and the other customers file out, till it’s just them.  The lights are on now, and as Zayn glances across, he sees the dark circles under Liam’s eyes, and he’s uncharacteristically pale and then his buzz cut which in ordinary circumstances would press all of Zayn’s buttons, but all it does now is highlight just how vulnerable Liam seems to be.

Still he says nothing. But still his fingers soothe at Liam’s arm.  And the trembling at least has stopped.

The creak of the door comes, and it’s the same guy as last time, that other time of their lives, and he doesn’t have to say anything, just taps at his watch and then leaves.

‘We need to go Liam’ Zayn says it softly and there’s a barely perceptible nod but as Zayn stands up, Liam follows suit and they leave the auditorium and then head outside.

‘I’ve brought your car’ 

Liam nods but as they near it instead of him walking towards the driver’s seat as Zayn expected, he walks to the passenger seat, and so Zayn opens the door and then walks round to the other side and lets himself in.

Zayn looks across at Liam and he says nothing, and it feels just like before and Zayn wants to sob with frustration but as he puts the key in the ignition and turns it on Liam says it’s softly so Zayn can barely hear it, then louder so he can.  ‘Don’t’‘

So he doesn’t and he turns it off and they sit in silence.  The only sound the clock in the car as it ticks by, minute by minute.  And Zayn pulls out his phone, quickly, quietly and fires off a text to the others.

‘Found him, he’s safe, back???’  And the places the phone back in the pocket of his jacket.

Time carries on, until they’re the only car in the car park and Zayn has no clue how long they’ll be here but he’ll wait forever.

‘Thing is if I tell you, it changes everything, it changes the way you look at me, the way you touch me, just everything’

Zayn says nothing. Doesn’t want to jinx it. Just listens.

Liam lets out a heavy sigh. 

‘It happened the morning after we spoke, when you were at your Mum’s and we arranged for me to come over the following night for the big cook-off’ and he smiles at the memory which makes Zayn smile.  It’s been too long since he saw Liam smile like this.

The smile falls away in a second.

‘I got there early, just to show willing and I was changing and it was just me, like always, but then…I felt a hand on my head, and this force and that’s all I remember’ he stumbles over his words, and swallows hard and Zayn wants to reach out to comfort him, reassure him but he’s not sure that’s how Liam wants him to react.  This is all so new, so uncharted, and so fucking scary

He says it in a broken voice. ‘All I remember is that he didn’t rape me so that should be something, right?’

Zayn can’t bring himself to speak, to find the words.

But Liam carries on anyway ‘The next thing I remember properly was the toilets and that’s where Louis found me, and I knew the moment I couldn’t tell him that something had changed, forever, but I felt like such a fraud, I felt like I wasn’t even me, I felt like I was above just observing this stranger, and the worst thing was that I didn’t care’ his voice cracks at that.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I just…I knew I had to phone you, and I knew I was letting you down but I didn’t care, and I just sat there that night at home in the living room, while Louis got stressed, staring into space, and willing myself to sleep so I could forget so I could wake up and it would all be some bad dream, but each time I shut my eyes, there was thing that weighed me down so instead I got up and I walked into our shower and I stayed there and I scrubbed until I was red raw, and I didn’t stop scrubbing and that was all I cared about, getting rid of whatever all this was, but then I left the shower eventually when the water was stone cold and I walked into my bedroom and thank god Louis was asleep by then, and I shut my eyes but it happened again’

‘So I got up and I drank and I drank and I drank’  he starts to cry ‘But no matter what I drink and no matter how many times I wish it goes away, it doesn’t and I’ve got to get used to the fact that this is it, this is all my life will be forever’

The tears are small sobs initially, until they get louder and Zayn wants to wrap his arms around him, he wants to hold him and he lets out a small sob of frustration because he knows he can’t, he can’t do anything but as Liam starts to tremble, and as the distress becomes so clear, he can’t just sit and watch so he jumps out the car, runs round to Liam’s side and he kneels down and he wraps his arms round him and he flinches, he does but Zayn doesn’t let go and it rips his heart in two as Liam repeats ‘I’m so sorry’  over and over again.

The tears subside eventually and Zayn stands up, though it’s harder than it should be as his leg cramp up from being in the same place for so long.

Liam looks so small, so young, so vulnerable, so exhausted and so fucking drained as he looks at him, as Liam looks at his feet, at anywhere other than at Zayn.  He thinks back to a time when he was just an observer of Liam.   And he wishes he could turn back time, he wishes it could stay like that, if it only meant that Liam didn’t have to live like this.  Live _with_ this.  As he shuts the passenger door and walks round to the driver’s side, he shuts off that thinking, it can’t be something he’ll ever discuss.  With Liam at least, but he can’t remove it from his head, and he knows he’ll come back to it.  He guesses this is their legacy, this is their cross to bear.

He opens the door and gets into the seat and he looks across.  Liam isn’t trembling anymore, and that should be a plus but they sit like that for who know show long.

‘I’m so tired Zayn’ but then a small miracle happens, he looks across to Zayn then and he’s got this half smile and it still looks like he could break any second but it’s something Zayn takes with both hands, just a small sign.  ‘I’m so tired, but I’m glad I’m not alone anymore’

And he holds his hand out for Zayn who takes his and squeezes it gently and they share a half smile.

‘Let’s take you home’ and Liam nods and smiles as Zayn drops his hand to place it on the steering wheel and then start the car and take them home.

**

In the movies, it would all be okay and the victim would fall asleep in their loved one’s arms and they’d sleep like they hadn’t slept in years and then they’d wake up and they’d kiss and they’d sing a song about being free and then they’d carry on and pick up where they left off before all this happened.

Liam hates movies he decides.  Well not Batman or Superman or any superhero movies but movies in general, cos movies aren’t real life. And well no shit Sherlock but if Liam thought that confiding in Zayn would mean everything would be okay again, he realises so soon that it won’t.

The only difference now is that he doesn’t do it alone.  

There’s always someone around.   And the touches aren’t so tentative anymore and his body doesn’t recoil anymore, his body allows Louis to touch him, to reassure him.   He lets Niall rough house a little bit, and every once in a while he can laugh, he can forget.  

But then each time he does one of those things, his brain says ‘HAVEN’T YOU FORGOTTEN SOMETHING HERE?’  And he wants to shout and scream and tell his brain ‘Yes that’s the whole fucking plan, to forget’ but he doesn’t cos he’s pretty sure that shouting out loud to yourself is frowned upon.

They’ve tried everything for him, with him, to help him sleep.  Every remedy there is, and he guesses he could go to the doctor and make up some lie about exam stress but he’s never been good at lying so he just lives with it.

Tries to ensure that the 1 or 2 or sometimes 4 hours, if he’s lucky, of sleep are enriching and can restore him and the odd occasion they are and they do.  But too often, they’re filled with dreams or nightmares more like and so he goes on like that.

He tries to go to University one more time, and he actually makes it for the meeting with the Senior Professor but he can barely get words out and he knows he’s blown it, he knows that uni right now isn’t a thing that will work for him.

As he leaves, he sees him, he doesn’t see _him_ thankfully but he sees him and he’s never been murderous, he’s never been violent, learning to box controlled all that aggression that a young man can feel but as he looks at him, and can’t take his eyes from him, he understands why people do murder those that harm them, that desire to lash out.

And he can’t live like that.  He can’t come here every day, fearful of smelling something that will take him back to the time he fears so much but from which his brain is protecting him, he can’t live with that hate and he just has to accept that.

So he does.   And he never goes back and he tries to move out, but Louis won’t let him and he actually cries when he says he’ll get thrown out anyway and Louis shouts.

‘Over my dead body’

So Liam stays and he gets a job, well 2 jobs, one in a music shop where he gets to sell guitars to people and basically nerd about music all day and then the other as a delivery driver and he’s shit at it and he hates it but the tips are okay and so he sticks with it.

And if the others join him, most nights when he goes out, just cos they’ve ‘nothing else better to do with our time Liam’ then he doesn’t complain.  

The hardest part is him and Zayn.   They’re close again, he’s found himself writing music again and it’s all kinds of thoughts that spiral in his head at 3am, 4am or any time of day come to that but it’s started being about Zayn just as much as it is about anger and confusion and upset. 

But they dance around each other, and he so much wants to reach out and draw Zayn in. And Zayn is SO patient, so careful and so gentle with him but he’s all too aware that Zayn has this degree to finish and this talent and he’s wasting too much time fussing over Liam.

So he knows what he has to do but it doesn’t make it any easier. 

**

Zayn knows what’s coming.   Liam’s been trying to say something for weeks.   When it’s just them, when they sit so close to each other that he can feel Liam’s heartbeat.

When Liam goes to say something and he’s got this serious expression but then as he opens his mouth, stuff about music, stuff about Zayn’s art, and stuff about anything except what he wants to discuss come pouring out.

And though he knows he won’t like what’s coming, he wills Liam to speak. To take that control.

But he never does and so it falls to him, he guesses.  

They’re sat in front of the TV again, and Liam’s fidgeting all night and gone to speak but nothing comes out, so Zayn sighs and he turns the TV onto standby with the remote and he turns to face Liam.

Liam who gulps as he does.  Liam who looks a little bit like he knows what’s about to happen.  Liam who nods at Zayn, touches his knee gently and says encouragingly.  ‘Go on’

‘I think we have to distance ourselves a little bit from each other, just for a while’  But he can’t say it, he can’t finish it because he doesn’t want this at all.   But he knows its coming and yet he can’t do this one thing for Liam.

‘I think you’re right’ Liam’s voice is strong.  It reminds me of Liam before all this happened.  It’s a shock and a flashback to that time, and it hurts but it makes it easier somehow that Liam talks like this.

‘Well I know you’re right’ he clarifies.  ‘I wanted to believe that when I told you, when I left Uni and when I started writing again that it would all help and one day, we’d fall into each other’s arms again and that would be it and we’d pick up where we left off’

He smiles then.

‘But I’ve changed, you’ve changed and that’s not necessarily a bad thing until you look at the fact that our lives are so different, and our needs are so different’  he reaches out for Zayn’s hand then and he caresses it, and Zayn loves him so much.  He knows that now.  He loves this beautiful boy, no not a boy, a man. 

But Liam carries on.  ‘One day in another time, we’re going to be fine, and out there somewhere there’s another Zayn and another Liam who went to see his boyfriend that next day and they carried on and they live together now, and they’re so good together they’re meant to be’

The tears fall from Liam’s face now and Zayn can feel the tears fall on his face too but they need this.   They need to cry and Liam’s voice it doesn’t falter.

‘I’m a firm believer in fate and things happening for a reason, and while bloody hell I’d have chosen anything except this fate, if we’re meant to be Zed, we’re going to be fine, and if we aren’t then that’s fine too because you’ve taught me more than you’ll ever know, it’s just right now that this doesn’t work, we both need space, you as much as me’

And Zayn wants to argue, wants to take those words and put them in the bin, set them alight and promise Liam that he’s wrong but he knows he isn’t so instead they sit like that for who knows how long.

Something occurs to him then.   And he doesn’t know where the memory comes from, he’d forgotten all about it but he drops his hand from Liam’s and then he reaches for his phone and he unlocks it and he scrolls through until he finds them.

And he smiles, at the Liam and Zayn before all this, and he passes the phone to Liam and it’s hard to know what all the emotions are on Liam’s face right now until he nods.

‘Those two, those are the ones that carried on in that universe, and they’re fine but you know Zayn’ and he pauses and he plays around with the buttons till he holds the phone up in front of them the back camera turned on and he sees them both, him and Liam, tear stained faces and then Liam presses the take picture button, not once but twice and then he finds the photos and Zayn wraps his arm around Liam.

‘This Liam, this Zayn, they’re going to be fine too’ 

And he nods Zayn does, and he believes.

**

He sits in the car in the car park, it’s the end of the normal working day for office staff but cars still remain in the car park around him.

He looks up at the wing mirror, at his reflection and then he glances down at his phone, at the message from Zayn.

Because Zayn isn’t out of his life.  He’s not there permanently, but he’s a constant reassuring presence when he needs him on this journey.  

They see each other once every couple of weeks but they speak more often, and he knew they couldn’t let go of each other that easy and he’s so grateful.

‘I’m so fucking proud of you for even driving there, it’s okay to come home, and we can meet up if you want’

He’s all he could ever need. As a friend right now.  But he couldn’t wish for better.   The others are constants too but Zayn is so much more and he’s come to realise that he always will be, no matter what happens.

He gets out the car before he even realises he’s done it and then he locks the door with the  remote fob aiming it with his hand at the car as he walks towards the entrance.

He stops for a moment as he reaches it.   This, right here, It’s about so much more than 1 simple act, a few simple words, it’s about taking control again and he taps out a message.

‘I’m going in’

And then the door opens, and 2 figures come out, and they hold the door open for him and its quiet as he stands at the door and the urge for flight is so overwhelming right now but he hears Zayn’s voice, feels his touch as though he’s there and he walks forward and there’s a young woman there and she says ‘Can I help you?’

And he nods because yes she can.  ‘I’d like to report a crime’ he pauses, glances around for a moment before he nods again and looks her in the eyes.  ‘Against me’

And he breathes.  For the first time since all this started, he breathes.

**

_The choices we make change the path that we take._

_But I know._

_That somewhere out there there’s a path that we chose, there’s a life that we share, there’s a love and it grows._


	2. Epilogue

 

_If you’re lost just look for me you’ll find me in the region of the summer stars._

**_3 years later_ **

They say time heals, time can make you forget but whoever said that is a liar thinks Zayn.   He’s sat the desk in his workroom, doodling.  He’s surrounded by art, his art, some are commissions, some are drawings for him, and some are drawings for _him._

Drawings he’ll never see.  And he knows this in his heart but it doesn’t stop him hoping, wishing, and praying that he’ll walk through that door.

Harry and Louis fuss over him, and Niall gives him the patented concerned!niall look and the lectures about not moving on.

But he promised he’d wait.   And no he didn’t promise it to Liam but he promised it to himself the moment they said goodbye at the departure gate.

That was 12 months ago, and they’ve heard nothing from him.  Not even Niall or Louis. 

And it weighs heavily on them all.    But it makes sense, they know he needs this.  Louis keeps in touch with Liam’s mum and dad and they _do_ hear from him and that’s enough for now to know he’s alive at least.

The rest can wait.

So he sits and he doodles some more and then the phone goes and he smiles as he answers it.

‘Hello Harry’ 

**

He thinks he’s every living cliché right about now as he sits in a hammock, on a beach and puffs away at the joint.

He looks out into the sea as the sun sets and its idyllic, it’s perfect and he’s never felt more alive and that’s definitely the joint talking he thinks and fucking hell Tommo would never stop taking the piss out of him for it.  He’s a ‘whoa maaaaaan’ away from turning into a full on hippie he thinks.

The last year has been a rollercoaster, the first few months, after the trial he’d been probably worse than at any time since all this started.   He’d sat in his room of whichever hostel he was in at the time, sobbing as he dialled Zayn’s number and then cancelled the call before it connected each time.

The trial had been a success they said, turns out he wasn’t the only they said, but all he got was 6 years, 6 measly years against the life sentence Liam has, the change in him that that man wrought.

But time can be kind, new experiences, new friends, sometimes fleeting just for a day, sometimes for longer, all that can help. It doesn’t erase what’s been.   But it puts it in a new context maybe, it makes him see that things happen for a reason.

He hasn’t stopped writing these last few days and the pad rests on his knees now.    When he writes the songs, it’s full of paradise, of rebirth, of love, and there’s always been one constant, throughout these years, it’s always been of him. Of Zayn Javaad Malik.  He just has to shut his eyes and he doesn’t envisage a paradise like this beach, he just sees Zayn.

The nightmares come once in a while and it has a name now this feeling, PTSD and he knows its a long journey but when he gets those nightmares he just has to breathe and think of him.  And he owes him so much.   And he thinks he’s ready.   To welcome them back in.

So he sent the email today.  To Louis, and he did the money transfer and he knows Louis will have his arse for that but fuck it.   Living this life he has, he’s not spent much money and it’s his choice.  And now he just has to wait.

It’s a pretty wonderful place to wait he figures.

**

He hates Louis Tomlinson.  But he hates flying more.   And as the plane takes off and Louis, the fucker actually films him in his terror, and he wonders if air rage is something he can use as a defence in court when he strangles him.  So maybe he does hate Louis more than he hates flying after all.

Except he doesn’t.   It was Louis’ idea to come on holiday.   To go to Thailand and its needed, he’s been a morose twat for a week or two, too many thoughts and too many regrets and too much work so when Louis turned up at his flat and asked him where his passport was and then starting packing a bag and then dragged him out the flat and to the car where Harry and Niall were waiting, he didn’t think to argue.

It was just a relief. 

But now he’s sat on the plane, and Niall and Harry are sat across the aisle from them, singing songs and acting like the overgrown kids they are and Louis puts his phone down and then he gazes across at Harry.

And he’s sickening he really is.  ‘Oh for fucks sake Louis, we said you could sit next to him’

‘And abandon you my little ray of sunshine’ He pats at Zayn’s face ‘not a chance’ 

Yeah. Louis will be lucky to survive this flight he decides.

He manages to sleep eventually, and they arrive in Bangkok 9 hours later, it’s the middle of the afternoon and its boiling and while Niall looks like he’ll pass out, Zayn’s delighted.

They’ve got another flight says Louis and so they pick up their bags and go find check in for the internal flight and Zayn nearly has another meltdown at the sight of the small plane, that looks like someone vomited on it with the colours on the fuselage.

But he gets on nevertheless and he feels himself relax despite being on the plane and he lets himself think of lying on a beach for a week, and he doesn’t even think of Liam.  Except for every other minute.

He feels grubby by the time they arrive finally at their destination, as the taxi drives off and Louis holds the piece of paper and announces they’re at the right place.

It’s in the middle of nowhere, and he can hear the water from the sea and he can see huts dotted along the shore, and there’s a brilliant sunset.

‘How the fuck did you find this place Tommo?’

He taps at his nose ‘Connections Malik, connections’ and then he picks up his rucksack and beckons them to follow him.

An hour or two later and he and Niall are settled in their hut while Louis and Harry are presumably settled in theirs, at the other end of the beach, Zayn’s request which Niall echoed wholeheartedly.   He suspects that the other end of the beach won’t be far enough away but it’s the best they can do and that’s what airplane earplugs are for after all.

They’re meeting for a drink in 5 minutes , its half 11 now and he should feel tired after all the travelling but he just feels chilled, like the beach and the surroundings have breathed new life into him.

And they walk up the beach together, tossing stones into the sea and Niall wins as always with the furthest distance and he loves his friends, he loves these people that came into his life.

He just has to learn to live without 1 of them.  Simple as that.

It’s an hour later, and several cocktails down when it’s his round and he gets up and props himself against the bar, there’s a mirror for some reason on the side of the bar and he sees his reflection, he’s back to the full head of hair, ‘fluffy head’ Harry calls him as he ruffles it affectionately, he has the makings of a beard now, and he flirts with shaving it before something stops him each time.

He orders the drinks and then Niall comes to help him and they take them back to the table and they shout ‘Cheers’ and he watches the sea, and the night sky. 

The music’s some kind of dodgy 90s house he thinks, interspersed with music from the charts now and fuck has he really got to get through the next week or two listening to this shit?

‘Chill out’ he tells himself and he does.  And it works.  Because the music stops and he smiles to himself. 

But then it fades, the smile that is, and something comes on, and he recognises it and there’s a bass that starts up instantly and then a voice comes that he doesn’t recognise except he recognises it so well and the rawness you wouldn’t associate with properly recorded music is still there and the voice is still deep, and the music has a hook to it that’s insistent and Zayn’s legs start to join the rhythm and there’s a falsetto, but it doesn’t stop this time. It carries on and he stands up and he whirls round. 

Because this can’t be happening.  This has to be some sick joke.

‘Zed’ comes the voice, that voice he could pick out in a room filled with100 voices.  And he turns, and he’s there, and he’s different and he walks slowly towards him,  thinking that the closer he gets the further away he’ll be, that he’s some kind of mirage and he keeps thinking that even as he gets closer and even as he stands in front of him.

His hair is bleached by the sun, and he has the makings of a beard, and he’s tanned, and he looks strong and he looks real, and his eyes are crinkling and it’s not from the sun, it’s his Liam.

‘I see you found this place then’ 

Zayn nods, not trusting himself to speak.   He’s trembling, but it’s for a good reason for once.  He wants to pinch himself to prove that this is real but he’s scared to.

But then Liam starts to speak again.  ‘I grew tired of thinking about what the other version of us was doing’ and he looks shy suddenly.

‘I decided I wanted to have a go at seeing where this version could end up, if you’re interested in trying’

Zayn shakes his head and then he turns away and looks back at the others, this can’t be real but they nod and they smile and it must be fucking killing them to not be hugging Liam right now so what the fuck is he waiting for?

He kisses him.  And he breathes in everything, everything that he’s missed. And then he pulls away, and he laughs and then he’s nodding and he’s saying yes because of course he wants to try.

And somewhere in that other universe, Liam and Zayn raise a glass. 

To a future.   One that seemed lost, but now it’s been found.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the fic. If you want to talk or leave a comment, feel free to do it here or come talk to me on tumblr
> 
> Thanks.


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